The Journal of Truthful Fallacies

Last Monday in London

London Rain.

It is currently 1139 here, and it is POURING. See, in London, it doesn't pour as much as it threatens to pour, so this is a biggie. It even thundered a bit...lightening I have not seen.
I wanted to go to RADA, St. Pauls, and the London Musuem (instead of the Theater Museum) I figure that is enough to do today figuring I must be back by 4 to meet my friend at 5pm. Just wanted to write this as a kind of last days homage to London. Not feeling as sentimental as I did yesterday, which is good.

Last night I packed for the 3rd major time. It is hard to live out a suitcase, I thought I could do it with out messing up the flow. I guess not! So, I had to re-do it to find something new. Anyway, as soon as it stops raining, or shall I say pouring, I will head out. Coldplay is blasting in my ear now...with Chris Martin singing: "I'll take love over this." And it is true, I'll take being with my mom at home over this. Although I appreciate this all just as much :-)

posted by The Eternal Student @ 11:46 AM 0 comments

My Last Sunday :-(

Well, today, got off to a slow start. For starters I had 6 places I was supposed to hit up:
Victoria and Albert Museum (there is one of natural history, and another of culture)
RADA (Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts)
Theater Museum
Westminster Abbey/Big Ben and Parliament
St. Pauls Cathedral
British Libray Exhibition Center (Literarly London, they say)
and the Museum of London

What was I THINKING????

I was full of "can I cram everything in now" momentum.
Well, I ended up only doing only 10 minutes of th natural history museum.
The Vic and Al museum, the other one about 2 minutes away from the natural history, the name escapes me now, was cool! I liked it much. The thing I was most interested in was the fashion segemnt, simply titled: Dress. They had a coronation gown of a Princess of Norway..who was the niece or something of Elizabeth the I. Museums are so full of information! At one pt I just stopped looking at the tags, and kept is moving.

There were also displays on fashions all the way from the the 12th century or something, all the way until Versace now! This all peeked my interest so much, I had to google "Haute Couture" when I got back. I read some definitions. I don't get it...but I do know there is a brand called Juicy Couture, so there!

Anyway, that was exciting....the most faboulous dress was from 1957, a cocktail dress, black with two skinny straps and the dress puffed out around the hip area (yeah, I am baaaad at descirbing things, people, tes, things, not so much!) it was SO Audrey Hepburn! I thought Givenchy had designed it, but no, it was some other guy. Whatever, it was cute. Hmmm, do people still wear cocktail dresses now? Anyway...

That was exciting. But for some reason today I did not have much energy to do much. But I did do that for an hour and half or so, then I headed for..oh God, I cannot remmeber, I know at one point, I went to Green Park, looking for RADA, althought I did get Royal Academy of Arts instead, a very kind woman at the desk did manage to give me directions towards the RADA I was looking for. When I was beginning in college, I seriously thought that one day I would apply to RADA. Like, I would have these thoughts as if I would really go to acting school after I got my BA in English. Anyway, Vivien Leigh and many others attended RADA. I just wanted to get a fre snapshots, of the place I dreamed of attending, had I had more talent, that is!

So then, I headed back to the GP station, and went to Westminster, taking some shots of the Big Ben, and Parliament. I then walked to Westminster Abbey which is like 2-5 minutes away, and took a shot of "St. Margaret's Church" which is basically the Abbey. I always forget that there is a Westminster Cathedral, where poets and actors are buried, I wanted to tour it, but alas, one of the things I did not do! I suppose I could do it tomorrow, but my last day I want to take it easy, not zip all over. And supposedly I am supposed to meet up with Gerri at some pt, in the afternoon. For that I do not know as we did not play. She was away all weekend. Oh well, we had our times in Italy! I am also meeting up with Christina at 5pm, to have "Indian Cuisine" at a cheap place..whatever! It is CHEAP and that is cool, def. I think she may be the coolest person I have met here. She is a personality. Loves to laugh and says some seriously funny shit. She is one person I would consider visiting in California when I hope to go.

Anyway, later..lets see what did I do later? Oh, St. James Park station was closed! That bloody District and Circle line is always closed Sundays! So I went around and rememebered some roads I been down before. I saw some guards just walking simply down the street. I took a picture of them coming towards me, and then of them walking away. They even WALK in unison! SCARY!!!

Anyway, I was heading in the direction of St. James Park, and decided to walk though, althought it was a decidedly nasty day here. It was nice, and I saw some seriously huge ducks, I just had to take a picture! After I did that, I went though the pathway to the Cabinet War Rooms, and ended up not too far from Westminster, but being that Traflagar Square was only two minutes away, I decided to take my last trip there :-(

So, I did, got a good shots of a "typical" looking London. It was good. On the way I saw ANOTHER guard surrounded by a group of people, a woman was standing next to him, with flowers getting pic opp, and he SMILED. He was pracitcally laughing...can't he get fired for that or something? This was all on Parliment Street I think it is called, also Whitehall, this is where all the political buildings are. Apprently, as I found out today, there is a Queen's Guard, that changes everyday or something. Who new?

Also, I noticed a small crowd a bit further up, just peering into a gate. I passed it wondering what they were doing. Then turned around, Idecided to ask what they were peering at. The people I asked happened to be Italian. I don't think they knew english very well, but when they spoke they did it very well...anyway, maybe I spoke to fast as I had to repeat is twice to them both! They do say American's speak very fast..that is probable. Anyway, the woman tells me" We are just standing here because this is where Tony Blair" is.
"Oh", I said simply.
I supposed I should have took a pic, so I did. Then continued on to Trafalgar. It was very nice, crowed as usual, that is the thing about Londonders, no matter the weather, they carry on. In Albany if it is raining, I NEVER want to go outside! Ever! But here, they are still in the parks, and still at main attractions. Anyway, it was very nice. So nice, that my eyes started to well up as I decended down the subway station stairs to Charing Cross Station to go home.

I don't know why I am so sad to leave. I mean I am in SERIOUS debt when I go home. Racking up late fee charges from Key Bank as I speak. Probably 300 bucks (I tallied) in the last 3 weeks, if they are charging me 28 bucks every day...or evrey 3 days it may be less, but I guess I will just extract money when I get home using the credit card, and then deposit it into the bank to stop the fee charges. AGHH. Anyway, I will have to find a way to take out another loan from a bank to pay off the credit, because there is NO way I can pay the thing back this year...and I would rather be in debt to a bank, than a credit card company. They are NOT cool.

Well, anyway, that was today. I wish I were not going back to this money situation. I really do. But, what can I do. I jsut pray I get through it.

Tomorrow is the last day...I think I may pop over to St. Pauls, see RADA, and do the Theater Museum...those things are all FREE!!! :-)

posted by The Eternal Student @ 2:50 AM 0 comments

Forever Trying

I cannot seem to describe what is going on/what has been going on into words. I am just at a loss. I am leaving England in 3 days, 4 if you count the day of that I am leaving. I am very sad about this. I don't feel like going into the Paris trip, or people who have left here already, or that my flatmate is leaving tomorrow morning and I'll be the only American left here in this flat....I am just so sad...it is shame. What is even more a shame is that I want to be surrounded by tons of people all the time just to keep myself from crying or feeling miserable about it. If there were only enough people around to fill the void.....perhaps I'll take a stab at writing about this when I get home. Right now, I am too immearsed my feelings to put them down. Today I go to Harrods, with the flatmates and her friends, who are also partially my friends as well.

Sunday I think I am just going to hit up the Theater Museum, Victoria and Albert Musuem, and probably Harrods again on my own.
Monday, I may meet up with "Rich Girl" who I am rettracting, since she is one of the people who has displayed the most "friend" behaviour to me, she was the one offering me money when I had none, and she also, was the one to warn me of another girl who I thought was my friend, but turns out was talking trash about me after our trip to Paris. So, yeah, her name is Gerri. She is a funny girl, very busy girl. I imagine perhaps since we live in the same State, we'll meet up again, she is pushing this PR trip in October...now I cannot predict the future, but I can guarantee I will be broke in October as well as now. But I am sure we will meet again.

My flatmate, well I will im her. We really didn't start to talk and do stuff until April, which is a shame! But we had many a movie night and Budgens (corner store) run, and Indian at Brick Lane, and Friends re-reuns/and a memorable Julia "My Best Friends Wedding" movie flashback! She is nice, and she has been nice to me. So, what can I say?
My friend Christina "it too bad we didn't meet up and talk sooner" Marable, is one of those people who is really cool. We just sit and talk. And she doesn't trash me for not going only with the general concensous. We'll have to meet again, we even spoke about a trip to California, which would be nice because I find myself facinated by California, and I may be attending school there as well.

Well, I thought Traci was a real friend, and that she was the most concrete of people, but after Paris, and what she said about me to Gerri and a bunch of other people about me, I can no longer associate with her. I will give her her DVD back, and call it a day. Too bad for her. Otherwise she'd be on the list of memorable characters.

The people I came here talking to, the "original group" disbanded a month later, but I did see Sara, and told her I wished her well here, as she is continuing on here for the fall. Good luck with that shit! I am sure she wil do well.

Anequa, well she did not like me at the end, but not before I disliked her for what I thought was phoniness. BUt I am not one for being mean to people. So, I kept is civil.

I have met other people here, but not closely, those were the main characters, and as Christina said last night when trying to chear me up":
"I can count on one hand the amount of people I have not wanted to hit upside the head with a bag of nickels"

Well, I say, that is more people than I have met who I have not wanted to hit!

Feeling kind of like this trip/experience was all for naught. What have I gained? I don't feel any real connection to people I have met, although they are nice. I am completely in debt, and I am....whatever. I don't even want to write about it anymore.


I will be forever trying to figure these last 5 months out. I am just going to do as much as possible these last three days, and hang out with as many people as possible, to fill the void.

I pray everything is well back home. I pray there is something left there for me, and no one has forgotten me. I hope they really haven't.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 12:45 PM 0 comments

Stasis (Redux)

Today has been a lousy day....trying to muster up the motivation to do work (ie: study) but am not. I will though...gauranteed I will bu up until 4am in the morning again....not overwhelmed by sleep.

It is about 2 weeks, 2 days until I am home. I am-in a different place than I was a while ago. I realized that I am tired of being here b/c London's spell have worn off, but at the same time, what am I going home to? There is nothing there. Will there be a place for me? Will I be bored? Miserable? Me and my mom got into a silly argument-I think she is nervous about me coming home. I think that she thinks I am high strung- a bit like a volcano. The first thing she says to me is: please don't fuss! Don't fuss! What?? Alright so I do complain, and I do have a tendency to me quickly annoyed-but "don't fuss?" aka "don't bitch?" Well, maybe she has a point. Maybe it has been calm without me there.....she has gotten used to me being gone perhaps. I don't know. I hope everything goes smoothly this summer.

I found out some disturbing news about my one of my friends from school. She has had some rough times...really rough. She says she is strong, and I know she is-she is a trooper. It puts everything in perspective for me. We have both been through a lot for people of our ages, and I think that is what initiated out friendship: we both know about hardships in life. I told her I would pray for her and her family. She/they need(s) it. We all do.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 7:25 PM 0 comments

And the winner is?...

Group Dynamics

Last night, a wish was fufiiled: I did not go to dinner w/ my group of "friends" and when I spoke to my mother again about it, she agreed, as all parents will attest: it was a waste of money. So, a few hours after that, my flatmate knocks onmy door, I answer: "What are you doing right now?" she asks, I look at my one morsel left of the pb&j sandwich I had for dinner- "Nothing right now" "O.k, lets go to Jenny's B-day party!" I shrug. I really don't feel like going. "It is cake and icecream!" I since some insenserity from those girls sometimes. Like, I feel like an outsider with them a bit-since they knew eachother since the very beginning of being here. They unknowingly somewhat exclude me in conversations, and they act differently around me than they do with eachother-as I have noted.

She decides to go, asking me another 5 times (seriously) to come along-saying I was invited. me, cynical as always asks: "Did they really?" She says yes emphatically. "They really did!" and I was like: "O.k, did they say:'if all else fails, tell her we invited her!'" We start laughing, and tries to convince me otherwise.

Well, I ended up not going-and in less than hour, my flatmate is back. I asked her what happened as they were also supposed to watch a movie. She says another girl they didn't know so well came along, and was annoying them all. She herself said she was "not nice" to this girl, and decided to leave. I started laughing: "see, I am telling you, when another comes along, it changes the energy in the group!" and she goes, "yeah, I know what you mean now! It really does"
I chuckled, because what she descibed is the same thing that would have happened if I were there-only to a lesser degree, as I knew a good 3 of them pretty well.

Now that that story is over: Graduate School.

So, I have been researhcing grad schools-convinced that I shoud:
1.) Base my interest in the school on its program-soley
2.) Check location (Urban atmosphere-no more than 4 hours max away from home if in NY State)
3.) Master Degree Program only (English Phd degress arefading-FAST, although all the really good schools seem only to offer Phd programs....odd.
4.) One year Program (if the program is good, I'll do 2 years)
5.) **I would really like to branch out and see if I can swing it at an "prestigious school"

In terms of the program, I have also decided what I want my focus in English to be on:
1.) American Literature after 1865 (before that, American Literature was the diaries of Christopher Columbus and John Smith-and I am not kidding)
2.) Mix English degree with another discipline. I am really interested in the link literature has to Film studies and Psychology.

There are so many aspects that go into picking a graduate school! According to www.USnews.com, these are the best places with a focis on American Literature:

1.
University of California–Berkeley
2.
Harvard University (MA)
3.
Duke University (NC)

Stanford University (CA)

Yale University (CT)

Last night, I spent some hours looking at schools-and before then, even more hours. And I looked at Berkely (phd only-none of of my other requirements)
Harvard (Same as above) Stanford (seriously considering, although it doesn't have my other emphasis on film and psych) and Yale....well, Yale is BORING. And besides, 2 language requirements-I have to be able to read lit in 2 other langages? Don't think so!
Duke, I haven't really looked into, but I am sure it is the same as the other schools.

So where does that leave me to go? I am convinced that I will not be going to school in NY state. But I am not sure I could really hack it somewhere else. Ughh-what to do? I really need to figure this out this summer. By September, I have to know where I am applying to, so I can get going on getting requirements. I am praying I don't make the same mistake I did when decideing my undergraduate school. I want a positive and rewarding experience this time.....
:-)

posted by The Eternal Student @ 3:00 PM 0 comments

The Play: Act 1(Acquaintances in Small Doses)

Apparently, everyone is getting really sentimental about shit now using the whole: "this is our last night togeher in London" punchline. To which I say: Fuck that shit! I don't even want to go anywhere with these people. I figured it out: I don't like being around them as a whole. I need to have these types of London Acquaintances in small does. Anything other than that is overkill. Continuing on the whole energy belief, I do not like the vibe when we get together-it doesn't feel right to me. I don't like it. There is no natural camraderie. It is not natural-it is forced. Especially since everyone has issues with everyone else. About 6 that are going, I genuinely like 2. What does that say? Out of the 6 that are going, I can only say I really know indicudually: 2. I don't even like half these people.

But...if I do not go, It will seem like "ill." I can hear their voices now at the dinner table: "Why she acting like that? Why she didn't want to come? Yo, that is grimey! Why is she being anti-social?"
Ughh, I don't even want to deal with it. Here we go: everyone will have thier roles, and have to hit thier cues as every other time we all "get together" And didn't we just go out to Nando's a week ago? It was the same as before-except Jennifer was not there. Big whoop! Who gives a shit? And RG says she doesn't even talk to her anymore "like that" Brian is moody, and I don't even known this chick other chick like that, so.....and I just hung out w/ Traci last night-so what am I going for? I feel no ties whatsoever to these people-this is just a waste of money
I also do not feel like spending money like that. I really will not spend money on anything that is not impreative to my survival-and hangout w/ them: dinner and bowling, is not on my list of things to-do. I could care less if I ever see about half of them again. Honestly.
I would much rather save my money for Paris, and having money when I go back to America. really. So, we shall see how this all goes, I will probbaly end up not going, citing grounds of going to Paris, and whatnot-which I already mentioned. Not enthused at all people. Just not.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 3:30 PM 0 comments

Energy

Lately, I have been feeling a bit....I don't know. I am feeling a bit uber sensitive these days-not in the way of easily hurt, but I feel like something is heightened-as if I am on another level than I was before. I have been noticing people's energy a lot more. People bring different energy with them when they enter into your world. Positive or negative either way, one feels it. Last night, Traci and I decide to get drunk. She has been having some issues with many, many dudes since she has gotten here. And one after another, she experiences disappointment after disappointement. Now, as much as I believe what she says, one has to realize that what one brings to their involvement with another person, effects the outcome of the relationship.

Although she presents herself as a condifent, outspoken person, I think she is highly sensitve-so much so that whatever she experiences is not just a random occurance, but can be attributed to some other cause-such as God, fate, etc....and this is fine, as many people tend to do this, but with her it is abit overboard. I think she expects too much from these guys, honestly.

So she was burned by this guys again-on her graduation day back home, it could have been really shitty to not be in the states celebrating, but here in London, a place you cannot wait to get out of. So last night, we decide to buy Malibu and Coke, and watch Eddie Murphy-Raw. It was really funny, I liked it. We both had about 6 glasses of Malibu and coke-it was delicious! I am not abig drinker, so I had to have something that did not taste like alcohol and was fruity. It tasted like coconut actually. It is my new drink, I will make sure to have some at home. In fact, it was so good, that I was drining it like it was water.

To make the evening more sociable I guess, she decides to call Rich Girl. She comes over, and the dynamic of the room changed. I don't know what happened-whether it was the wear of off the Malibu, or if it was the energy she brought in the room. She had just said that she had gotten back from seeing a play and having dinner with her fam. It was about 11 something when she came over. She sauntered in, seemingly unhappy, and bored. I am trying to figure out why she is never satisfied to be where she is-she is constantly bored, and needs to be active at every moment of the day.

Why? Can't people just sit thier asses down and shut the fuck up?? Like really, here me and Traci are, sitting laughing at Eddie and drinking-having fun, and she comes is: "so and so is at Leicester sq" And I am thinking "so?" who cares, and she is acting like she wants to go. And as usual, she goes "Oh, I am trying to go out tonight" I had said to Traci earlier, any time a club songcomes on "oo, it is time to go out-I need to go out" any time -any thing happens actually, "it is time to go out" And to me, I am thinking: do you not have a life? Like, do something else!
So already, the mood shifted in the room. The night was not as fun after she came in. I do think it was her energy, really.

She has a different kind of energy-and it just....I don't know, I cannot explain it. Traci depending on when, can be a bit excessive in her overflow of energy-me, I am not so sure, I think I have different energies at different times. I don't think RG has a negative energy, just I don't know. I think people should be more aware of the energy they give off.

I am in my mystic phase now. I have not felt such levelheadedness, and clarity of mind since I have been here. I feel really just "chill" now. I feel really centered and peaceful. I have been having intellectual conversations with Jan, over e-mail. Jan is a friend I met in highschool. She was the librarian, very cool, connected with everyone-very warm positive energy. She is a good person. She is quite older than me-about 52. Been married, a child, and is a grandparent. I don't know how we really became friends. I don't get it, it baffles me. What could a 21 year old, actually, I was about 16 at the time, have in common with someone 30 years older than her?
Perhaps because she was/is very spiritual. She had done some Chakras, somewhat psychic behavior (she believes that everyone had a compacity for psychic behavior, if you learn to tap into it. and reincarnation. But I feel like when she asks me how I am doing, she really wants to know. I think she was the first adult that really made what I said important, and listened to me. I think to this day, she still serves that function for me, but I am not sure what function I play for her.....perhaps I'll ask her....

posted by The Eternal Student @ 1:45 PM 0 comments

Stasis

I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone really. We'll actually this is not true, there are places I haven't been, I do want to do things, and I want to hang around people. BUT, I cannot do so, without feeling extreme guilt-money is at the root. Now that I have it, I am reluctant to spend it, however on the negative side, I am also not doing anything else in London. It is nice to just window shop-to look, peruse and not buy. Such a feeling of accomplishment! I love it, I really do. But, I have not a thing to do. I am weary of doing anything, that costs more than 10 pounds ($20) and I really don't want to run out of money again, or keep withdrawing, as I am still unsure about job prospects.

Today, I am considering for the 3rd time, going to see James Dean in Rebel w/o a Cause at the National Film Institiute. I have immensely enjoyed the last two movies I have seen there: Anatomy of a Murder, and Porgy and Bess. These are movies rarely shown on tv, and also these were my big chances to see Jimmy Stewart and Sidney Portier, and Dorothy Dandridge on the big screen-and it was truly amazing. Names really meant something back then, and when you saw that name splayed across the screen you know you are getting something good. I am a fan of James Dean. Yes, like every other girl, I find him really hot, and yeah, I enjoy the intensity of his persona and acting chops. I have never seen Rebel fully, but it is a classic, not sure if I want to pay 650 or so to see it ($12-13). Then again, if you approach everything in London as a once in a lifetime experience (the way I was when in those joyful days of March and April) then yes, I should go.

But, I just don't want to. I just want to sleeep and do nothing, yet contradictorily, I want to be static; remain in my place. When I stay on the East end, I rarely spend money....and besides, I have Paris to think about. Need to conserve for Paris. And have money when I go back home. So Dean, will just have to wait I suppose-at least until after Paris when they are showing his last film- Giant, made with Elizabeth Taylor and Rock Hudson....now that is an big movie I will pay 12 bucks for! We'll actually, I would not pay 12 bucks.....perhaps I shouls have stopped converting a while ago?.........whatever, if I were going to go, I would be leaving now, which I am not, so, I do believe I will be hanging around, not studying for my exam on Thursday....


:sighs:

I don't know what is going on with me! Oh well, tomorrow I'll do something......maybe.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 5:25 PM 0 comments

God is Good! :-)

I just got back from grocery shopping! I am so relieved, I cannot put it into words! When those pretty GBP notes came forth from that Barclay's cash machine that Monday! Whew! I was pleading with God on Monday, and again, he came through. God, he is good. He really is :-)

I did not feel right in posting, immediately after, as I thought it was a fluke, and that somehow the money would dissappear from my hands (I am serious here folks.)

Today, I had another little scare, where the National West Atm would not let me use my Visa to withdrawl again...tears began to well up, I make my way into Stratford mall, depressed but with money in my pocket for now, so I decide to continue on with my plans to get groceries, wondering how I was going to survive in Britain and Paris and all that...and how I just withdrew money yesterday..how could my card be invalid?

So, while in Stratford I realize that there is a Barclays there, so I decide to try the card again, praying my heart out to God while I insert my pin number. Thank GOD it worked and I was more than relieved again.

I will never, ever, ever, take money for granted again (not that I did in the first place, I've always been to0 poor for that!) but never again, will I have the same "whatever" view of money I had before I came here.

Another lesson learned that I can rack up in London.

Thanks be to God!

posted by The Eternal Student @ 5:20 PM 0 comments

The Trouble with Numbers

The situation I am in, is the worst I have ever been in, in my life, at least financially speaking. I have no money-actually, I have about 50p to my name, in America, that is 1 dollar. No phone credit, my last drop of water, and wheat bread and tuna to eat for lunch. Oh, I have other food, but that would consist of using other condiments, which would cost money to buy, which I do not have.

4-the number of Visa Reps I have spoken to
2-number of payments made to the Visa company
10-number of days until Paris, making the situation worse.
0-amount left on my credit
50p-amount left litteraly in my pocket
5 euro-amount left litteraly in my pocket that is unable to help me
A lot-the amount I am taking iun order to never be broke here again or when I get home, hopefully to last a good month
none-the amount of compassion and concern this has rendered from my friend
About 7gbp-the amount I owe The Rich girl, for using her phone to call Visa (while she complained like a whiney bitch the entire time)
10gbp-the amount I was going to borrow from her to top up my phone, so I would not have to be dependent on her to be around today incase the card does not work when it becomes 9am eastern standard time, when my bank opens


I am so eternally stressed. I cannot eat properly (b/c one, there is not much to eat, or drink unless I drink tea all day.) I told the Rich Girl, look, I am stressed, give me the 10 gbp to hold me over, b/c I know I am going to have to call the Visa company again. No she says, wait until my cousin puts money into the account, (what money? She is probbaly not going to be able to put more than, at max 20-25 and MAYBE 50 but that is a stretch, into my acount) That is nothing in terms of money, but it is something.

So, she is handling this all nonchalantly, why? Because she is rich, she has family here, and if worse comes to worse, they would drive here in their cars, and feed her, give her money to exist-not to mention this would never happen to her, as she is rich and mommy and daddy will pay for anything. I have to admit, she told me that she would give me, if needed, enough money to survive here until I left (20 days, starting today) and that is a short time, but that is a blow to my ego, and I do not go for that. But, if it what I have to do, then I will do it. But what she doesn't understand is what it is like to be over in another country, broke, litteraly. NO money. Not even a pound to call a cousin, or family member in NY.

I couldn't even call my mom on Mothers day, b/c I ran out of calling credit. How fucked up is this. Instead of being compassionate about this, the Rich Girl finds it funny. I cannot do anything-no tube, no milk, no water, no NOTHING.

When and if this credit card ever works, I am at the pt. that I do not care about what I will owe in the future, I am taking out a big amount. I am not asking any other non family member for help regarding this matter ever again in my life. This is the LAST time I am going to be officially broke, I gurantee. No more.

2-times within the school year I have been officially broke
6-months ago, the last time I was officialy broke
0-the next time I will ever be broke again-period.

I am writing in this blog, to keep from going insane, because if today, I still have no money, I cannot gurantee what I will be doing to myself or anyone. I am really on the edge. I was not able to sleep until 5am, and now I am awake at 11:08, I cannot sleep. I just cannot. If I have no money in my hands litterally by tonight, I will not be sleeping at all tonight. I just won't. I am that wound up, and I get this stressed when something very unsettling and that causes a lot of worry, happens to me. I am just frail nerve-wise and extreme stress, wrecks havek on my body:

Since April, I have broken out with disgusting, and unusually bad breakouts on my otherwise, good skin. NOt only this, but they have not been going away, just staying on my face, this morning, growing larger and larger I swear, although I just used some of the Rich Girls presciption only cream on my face. It worked in Italy for a few days, but ever since I got back to London, it doesn't work. My hair is horrible too, and needs to be professionally done, but of course I do not have the money to do that. I just pray to God that this card works today. God, have I learned my lesson: do not fuck around with money-ever. Do not spend in amounts, unless you have an incoming stream of cash flow to make up for it, or your mommy and daddy are rich and can bail you out. Do not depend on other people to help you out of your problems, because either way, you will feel guilty, or they will imply that you should be. Never ever use a credit card unless you have the money in hand to pay for it back, unless you are like me, and had to use one. So many more lessons......

I sincerely this is the last lesson I will ever be taught regarding finances. From now on, I will keep my own checkbook up to date and do the normal bank account things that everyone else does, you know, like a grown up.

Well, this is all I have to say, I pray that today, everything finally goes through so I can get back to living my regular life.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 11:15 AM 0 comments

I've Done It Again

I am idiot. I really am. Remember when I made that post about maintaining a budget? yeah, well, I am in deep shit. Well, actually not deep shit, but deep enough shit for me. My credit card bill-atrocious. Paying in full for my credit card bill this summer? NOT even going to happen (that was the plan). Even if I do get that job at the Respite again, it is just not possible....I guarantee that at the end, I will have spent most like, almost 1700-1800 (that is almost 2,000 bucks :o .Well the minimum payment is 20 bucks a month. Not bad. Perhaps I 'll get ma to help me bail myself out of this mess studying abroad has created. (so shameful, I just turned 21, I am an 'adult" and look what is happening to me! I am supposed to be a responsible adult.) As much as I HATE going back to that job, I really need it. 10 dollars and hour, is sweet. And maybe I won't pay the card of all this summer, but I want to get it down by half at least by the time I leave for school in September. And perhaps my mother will pitty me, and give me the 20 bucks a month to meet the minimum while I hustle and bustle through grad prep, courses and the like.

I am so depressed. I am going to really cry. I am. How could this have happened to me? I hate that this will be looming over my head for a while. I wish I had all the money to just pay it off right now. But, I suppose, as Tracy said yesterday, "everyone is in the same boat as you" She said she evern knew people who maxed out thier credit cards. So, if I can just stay on track...and not miss a payment, that will be great. And my cousin was just like" What can you do about it? Nothing. This is entry into the real world with everyone else" Luckily when she saw the bill at home, she paid the minimum out of her own pocket. Thank god for family members. That was nice, she didn't have to do that, but she wanted to start me off on a good foot with the payments.

:Sighs:

Now I have to find a place to work at a school so that I have the min and don't feel like a loser for asking my mom to pay. Also, I am getting a cell again from the states, so that is another 30-40 a month. I am shopping around for a good plan this time. No bullshitting....being as now I am officially broke, will I have to use my credit card for it?

:Sobs:

Was all this even worth it?
I don't think I will know the answer until I return home, go back to the atrocitiy that is my school, and the montonous way of life. Then I'll say "yeah, so I owe lots of money, but England Italy, and Paris sure beat this shit...."


Well, if God was meaning to teach me lesson about managing money properly, he really got through to me this time. I appreciate it. He hit it right on the nose this time...waited until I was 21 and involved with the credit card to imprint the message upon me. Good going God. I appreciate it. No, I really do. I am never doing this shit again.


I may have to entertain getting a second job. But, the job at the respite is 8-4 EXAUGHTSING, and who would hire me from 4-10 or whenever. And when would I have time to breathe? Eat? Or anything...like taking driving lessons and what not.

God, I've done it again.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 1:37 PM 0 comments

Untitled

I am in the midst of a haze. See, one of the people I genuinely like, has made me a collection of Fleetwood Mac hits with classiscs like Rhiannon, Gold Dust Woman, The Chain....I'm So Afraid....etc.....so I have been listening to this for the past few days (with short intrevals of other music) I have to admit, I love Stevie Nicks, lyrics. She is awesome. Who writes stuff like this and puts it into a song?:

Rock on -- gold dust woman
Take your silver spoon
And dig your grave
Heartless challenge
Pick your path and I'll pray
Wake up in the morning
See your sunrise loves to go down
Lousy lovers pick their prey
But they never cry out loud
Did she make you cryMake you break down
Shatter your illusions of love
Is it over now -- do you know how to
Pick up the pieces and go home.
Rock on -- ancient woman
Follow those who pale
In your shadow
Rulers make bad loversYou better put your kingdom up for sale....

I am sorry, but...that's hot! The imagery, the words...she is really talented. It's that whole mystic thing she has going. She was knee deep in that stuff back then. I found something like this:
PLAYBOY: What were some of your past lives?
NICKS: I think I spent a lot of time in old churches, like a monk. I'm very comfortable around that kind of music, with that kind of creeping around, with being very quiet. My ballet teacher believes that my head was cut off in another life, too. I totally give with my body except for my neck. Even if I go to the beauty salon, I can't put my head back. They have to hold it or it will drop. The same thing happens when I dance or get a massage. It’s very weird.

Now, that is some off the wall shit even I wouldn't say.....and I am prone to saying off the wall things. Despite this, I like her. She is different. If this same musican came out today, 2005, people would not take her seriously...no doubt about that. But back then, and even now as she is like a legend...Nicks is it! I like her whole aura and energy. Her lyrics have always inspired me to write...she and Sylvia Plath do that. I like them lots.

I have been in a bit of a dry spell lately as far as creative work is concerned, but I've been coming up with little bits here. I have been listening to Fleetwood, (mostly Rumours songs) they are so good! No wonder it is one of the best selling albums in history.....that really hit a chird with people by doing that album. That is why I love music so much. A day w/o music is.....not as good of a day I say. I find myself missing my guitar as of late, and I have promised myself to take guitar lessons this summer.

Nicks, also has some really interestring points which I relate to:
We need music very badly. The world is in pretty bad shape and it scares me.

My dad said, "If you're going to do it, be the best, write the best, sing the best and believe in it and yourself." And as long as I didn't give up on that, it would be OK.

Those are things that I really relate to, especially the part about doing something the best you can-if something is going to be done, why do it half assed?

posted by The Eternal Student @ 3:25 PM 0 comments

Friendship Without Cues

Well, yesterday was a very eventful day. I worke up at 12, as I did not go to sleep until 4am, and began work on my paper, saying it had to be done today-it just had to and....etc...


You know what, I don't feel like writing about the stupid shit I did yesterday. I want to write about friendship.

Me and Mary have been friends since we were 10 yrs old. 11 years. Whe have had mnay issues and it hasn;t been easy sometimes to be friends as we have both changed in many ways since then. But, I realized this morning as I thought reading the latest news, that I have to hand it to her-she, no matter what, has always been there for me. If I had a problem, needed some advice-anything really. She was there. Period. And lately she has been having issues, and bet when she did, she wrote me in a way that only she could, and I know she was thinking: She will understand me, she will know what to do. And that is what friendship is about.

Not once has she ever tried to cut me down as a person, or make me feel less than her, or anything in that way. She was always there and I know that if something happens and I need someone to listen, she will be there. Period. This is not written to glaze over and make the friendship seem perfect, because it hasn't been and it still isn't. I just wanted to write this as a kind of appreciation for the moment, as I have a tendency to skim over such moments.

All of this was bought on by what happened last night. The same shit that always happens when I go along with a group of individulas in which I share no common denominator. I realized that is why I have felt so odd and out of place, and been treated this way: they don't know what to make of me, so in order to make themselevs feel better and more safe, they rag on me with the same feeble jokes and the whole thing is just one on going rididuclouly produced multiple act play. And they all play the parts, and they assign me my part, yet, I never once asked for that part, and I don't play it, but they keep feeding me lines.

Hanging around them takes energy for me really. That is why I cannot do it often. When I am with these people individually, the play is on hiatus, and they can be themselves, and I am accepted as a person. But, together, in a group, people take thier roles and the monologues ensue.
The thing that I don't like is being assigned a role by someone. And being painted a certain way to a group of people, when I couldn't be further from the truth, and this is what is always done when I am with them. Now, maybe I am being to serious, but like that saying goes, nothing that stirs you emotionally is stupid of irrelavent. At home, I am assigned roles, I am the "smart one", the one who "always has a entertaining story" Those assignments are fine, confining at times, but for the most part, positive and are done in good nature.

To my friends back home, if I make a comment, it is simply a comment and we move on. No one gripes about my nature as a person, or the things I do, the way I act, and that is what I appreciate. They all accept me and that is one of those things that will be most welcoming when I return, knowing that people enjoy my company and genuine accept me. So with this in mind, I am sending Mary an e-mail telling her I apprecite her friendship. Because, for once I am living in the moment, and not pre-planning my actions to see if they will be taken the way I want to, but just winging it. So, lets hope for positive energy and friendship without cues.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 2:27 AM 0 comments

Thoroughly Amazing

I am thinking this blog has turned on sour note, but it is my desire to explain my life in a way that is honest. So, it will continue until something throughly amazing occurs.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 8:10 PM 0 comments

The Journey has Ended

I am really trying to figure out why I don't seem to want to go out into the city anymore.

Like, I sit down with my "london for dummies" book (which, by the way, is educational) and look for stuff I haven't done. I say oh, I'll go to the Victoria and Albert mueum-but why when I have been the National Gallery, Courtald, and the Tate Modern AND the National Portrait Gallery. That is 4 museums folks. That is more than enough. I love museums, don't get me wrong...but if you've seen one muesum...you've probably seen them all.

Isn't that the gist of London? If you've been to Leicester sq, Tottenham, Oxford St, Charing Cross, Trafalgar sq. it all the same to me now- it's all right there....and how many times have I been there? A lot.

I have also been to many places outside of London, Hampton Court, Windsor, Eton, Stratford upon Avon, Warwick Castle, Bath, Cambridge....what else am I supposed to see? I think I am really weary of it all now. But I have to watch my phrasing around those at home to make sure that I don't get crap from them saying"Take advantage of it all!" We'll I have been, and my bank account is just about depleted. Sure, there are about 9 more things I should do, simply because many people do when they come here:

1.) Shakspeare's Globe, London Aquarium, St. Pauls (where Charles and Diana got married) etc..but all that shit costs money...and the only thing I really feel like spening money on is transportation and food. That's it. And with Paris coming up, we are talking more euros to spend on the Tour Effel, Norte Dame....etc....so, yes. I think I am weary. The people I know back home don't understand what it really feels like to live somewhere for 5 mos...sometimes the adventure just reaches its limit....and the journey ends.

I have been playing around with the idea of staying until June 3rd. But, by then, I'd probbaly shoot myself, and besides....that is just more money being spent needlessly. But, I wanted to cop out so that I wouldn't have to decided. At least last night I was too annoyed to be sad about leaving as it looks as if I will have to be on the tube at 630 am to make the 930 flights that abound in the am the week of the 23.....

:sighs:

I am sure months from now, I'll look back and think "shit, that was the good life!" but, right now...these crappy papers and lack of motivation/weariness of London is getting to me...

posted by The Eternal Student @ 1:15 PM 0 comments

"I Don't Even Know Half Those People!"

Sometimes I wonder: what happened to the people I used to know? Like really, wtf happened to them? I don't even keep in contact with them anymore....some have become to superficial and arrogant for my liking. But these are people I have known since I was in 7th grade...J and L I'll call them. I suppose, now that I look back on it, J was always...I don't know....she was always looking for something else...whereever she was and whoever she was with was not enough...she was never satisfied. That gets tiring after a while. It really does. I think she feels that she has such more life experience than I do, so she doesn't really bother with me. But I don't think she knows that I cast her off a long time ago.
L, well, L thinks that she is high and mighty right now. She is "changing" and is "NOT the same ol L, everyone used to know" and she makes sure everyone knows this. Only, I could really care less. I don't give a shit if she wants to do what she wants to do. So what! I don't know who she is really trying to prove herself too. That all gets tiring as well. Talking to someone who sole purpose in talking to you is trying to demonstrate who she no longer claims to be.

I used to be really close to 4 girls at school. But, They are always a bit too busy, or so they say, except for Meghan...who always e-mails me and is genuinely interested in what goes on my life and I in hers. I think she is one of the best people I have managed to meet at that school. The others all used to be really cool and interesting to me, but have somehow managed to have more negative qualities than positive. This is probably as I have not spoken to them in person for a while and have somehow lost a sense of who they are. I don't know...Studying here does that too you.

I just cannot wait to graduate from college, so that I can begin a new phase in my life. This phase has not been the best for me on a personal level. And I have not established relationships as best as I could...at least good ones.

I cannot believe I am going home in 3-4 weeks. Insane. We'll I'll miss the freedom I have had here....being able to hop on the tube when I want, to no answer to anyone...walk the streets alone of with people when I please....meeting people who have no other past history of me except the one that I present to them....I have met some funny people here...hilarious in fact!
I didn't realize that I had talked to so many people here until last night...when I looked on aim and there were a lot! Well, that is a good thing about here....whenever I think of London, Italy and Paris...I'll think of the various and different people I met....and new experiences.....


It has been good here.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 4:26 PM 0 comments