The Journal of Truthful Fallacies

I Don't Know (Random Happenings)

:sighs; It is never good to begin a post with a sigh. Yeah, it's really not. It is almost 1am, and I am not tired. Probably because I had an hour long nap (I think naps are under 30 minutes, or so I have been told.) I don't believe in power naps, because they are CORNY! A 15 mnute nap? Pfft! I set the alarm for 15 minutes (or so I thought I did) and ended up sleepng for quite some time, waking up 20 minues before my 335 class and jetting over to the cafeteria to get some coffee to jolt myself back to consciousness.

Man.

All I ever seem to be is tired. It is like a plague slowly sneaking over me....I wish I could cure it. I have tried "pushing" through it, but it never works! I always cave in because I just cannot physically take it. This morning I thought I was going to pass out because I was so tired.
I am going to call my doctor about this when I see her next month!

Joy! September is almost over!
Sad! I still I have NO concrete grad school to apply to.

:sighs: It is not good to sigh half-way through ones post. At the end-yes, because it is warrented, but now, not so much.

One of my friends says it could be weight related-my tiredness. That is possible as I have gained weight over the summer (which I think is ironic, I gained over the summer and NOT in England...lol) I have been discouraged after my relentless desire to be and eat healthily I got depressing results. I don't know. I kind of give up on it. Just asmidge. Until something happens and I go on a "I must do it!' kick and the same will probably happen again....


Oh well.


Today, I finally told one of my friends that she was annoying me. It all came about as we sat in the cafeteria eating and I asked what she was doing this weekend. And she launches into this whole recap of what she had been doing over the past month (in which I was either not invited or went home because NO ONE informed me-Pfft!) Anyway, I finally said how I felt like people were not making the effort to include me. And she goes on this whole "If you would check your messages" shit (I don't check it TWICE and it suddently constitiutes as all the time-I hate when people do that shit) and I say this to her. I say, well if you are doing something, contact me.

And I finally said if you don't want to put in an effort, then by all means don't. I really could careless.

I was being honest and upfront. What I am going to loose? My ass is leaving anyway! Fuck that "nice" shit! I just said what was on my mind. But within complete bounds. At least, I believe.

So, this weekend, we are supposed to be watching The Godfather (who a friend loaned my by random acquaintance this afternoon-which was very nice. PLus, it was one of the examples used in out film class text, so I figured it would be useful. I do LOVE a young Al Pacino....I still think he is cute (in a rough and gruff way)

But anyway, I am still pesterd by how some people are in relationships, I am not. I mean, I just don't get it. I really don't.

What is WRONG with me????

I just want someone to call my own and who likes me! Why is this so difficult??

:sighs: (appropriately) I don't know anymore.....

Now I am exaughsted...time for sleep!

posted by The Eternal Student @ 1:13 AM 0 comments

Untitled

I wish I had someone to love and someone who would love me back. I think everyone secretly, or maybe not so secretly wants this. I never really wanted it before, and I now wish I could go back to that time where being smart and independent were my trademarks, and I did not always feel the pressing need to belong and be held.


Ugh. I think I am going to throw-up.

I am looking around at everyone paired up. I want someone to understand me too, someone who is interested in what I think and say-what I feel. Someone to go to the movies and such with...just someone.

Friendship doesn't cut it anymore.

My friends cannot give me everything. Now, I think I understand what people mean when they act gluded to the hip to their new boyfriend and seem to forget about the friends that gave them support along the way. I guess guys have that certain touch, that quality that you cannot get from someone of the same sex. Before I could never understand, but now I can see how something like that could happen. How one person could take the place of so many others.

I feel like, sometimes that I deserve a really nice guy. I am a nice person. Funny when I let down my guard. Somewhat cute on somedays. Smart. I have travelled. I am ambitious. Can be independent. So what is the deal? Why can't I just find someone who I connect with? Why am I still alone at the age of 21? I am going to be turning 22 in January......22 and no one still?

I know I have tons of other things going for me, but stuff that used to cut it, doesn't anymore. Nothing that used to be ok, or that was shoved in the backround is ok now....

:sighs:

I want light. To be in the midst of light.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 12:28 AM 0 comments

Wouldn't It Be Nice....

I was fine all Tuesday afternoon....my heart beat regularly and my pulse seemed to be steady. Air was refreshing and waves of nausesuness eluded me.

Then came 530pm.

All bodily stasis ended.

I was freaking the hell out.

Why? Because I was doing my first presentation in a year in half. But, why was I nervous? I had done 2 presentations for this professor before, and I had done will. She herself had said that I always do good presentations.

Hahaha.

I went up, last of the three. I had e-mailed the powerpoint to myself. I logged on successfully and then when I clicked to open the presentation some unknown error popped up, asking me to download things...I had no idea what this was about.

So, I click out of that, and begin anew. It works. Finally.

I spoke. Ok. Somewhat loudly and forcefully. I hated every single second. I really did. In fact before I came to class I was crying. Stiff with anticipation. My heart was out of control, my breaths rapid. I tried to quell my nervousness with drink and food and it temporarily stopped any more tears from falling.

I am not going to go into the rest of what happened, because that is inconsequential and I explained it to one of my good friends already and the thought of writing it again bores me.

So, today, brand new day, I start to ask myself: Who am I? I don't get it. I have acted in improv before, I have done a play here before. I have sang in choirs, in solos by myself in front of judges and classmates. I have given presentations before, and make sure I make a comment in every single class I have, at some pt. So why aren't I more relaxed? Is it wrong to expect this? I am 21 years old, a senior in college, and I still have issues giving presentations??

Maybe I am expecting too much from myself? I am hardest on myself, it is true. After I sat back down in my seat, my friend, whistling, says "Wow you did well" and I just shrug. I don't think I did. It was ok. I guess. Everyone just looked at me kind of wide-eyed I remember as I actually SCANNED the audience. Why??

But, I digress, I just wish that I could be comfortable and just be me in front of people despite other things. I just would like to remain constant/ Not take forever to feel comfortable with people, but put people at and myself at ease immediately. I wish I was more a "people" person. I think I am, but somehow I am never enough.

Shit. Maybe I do suffer from only child timid and reculsive syndrome.

But I have been fighting against this my entire life. From family, friends, even people who don't even know me. I don't get it.

But then are those people, like teachers who think I am really outspoken and talk lots. Ask some other people and they will say I am shy and quiet.

I really wish it would stop.

I have been thinking about doing Broadcast Journalism...now how the fuck can I do that, if I cannot even talk in front of the class?? Will I ever be able to do what I want or will this always be a fear within me? How nice it would be to be open and breezy.....

I don't know. Perhaps time will tell.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 8:47 PM 0 comments

Everything is Different

My second post for today, just to illuminate some things. My senior year at college began Sept 7th. That was a hard week for me. Everything felt displaced and out of order, including me. I automatically expected all the friends I had before I left to cluter around and say: We are glad to have you back!" but you know what, I knew realistically that would not happen. I never wrote about my friends from home abroad because they never kept in contact with me. I would send e-mails and pics and they would NEVER respond. It's like I had to hunt them down. And the same thing happened when I got back. Except, I was not hunting anyone down. I don't have time for that. Add to the fact that they all live in another dorm (about 15 steps away from me, but I guess in their world far enough) and they have their own little thing going, and I am seperated from that.

So, what is the deal?

This school has been a very odd experience for me.
Friends, or people I have met have always been sketchy and well, not really friends. But I put up with a lot since I am genuinely a nice person and I want to like people, no matter what. But, these people, they don't really care about what is going with me when they ask.

When I came back from abroad, and handled the money sitch, and had a job and etc, I was to busy to really sit and think about my relationships with people and what I expect from them. But now that things have settled down a bit and I am learning about myself, I have time to reflect upon what I really learned going abroad.

I have this kind of clarity now about people and myself. I did not have this before, or perhaps it was muted, I don't know, but now it is like I see people for who they are. Things that I thought were important aren't anymore. People who I thought were cool, turns are they aren't either. Things that I used to care about, I don't anymore.

My life is a life turned upside down but instead of feeling out of place, I feel corrected, adjusted, as if I am somehow upright.
Except, with all good things come other things:

Now, that I have a different view of things, some things I do not understand.

For instance, I used to be really into work and cared a LOT about my grades and had a lot of interest in classes (to varying extents)
Now, everything seems dimmed. Somewhat dull. My favorite word the first week back was "bored" and people don't seem to understand my restlessness. I want to get out and explore places and things! I want to go out and DO stuff. I looked around my dorm room and thought: How could have ever been satisfied living like this before?
And I am not talking about the fact that I am in the dorm room as opposed to a townhouse, but how I could have been ok at this place where I have no freedom.

People were boring me even, I was bored by peoples voices and their ideas....and I am not exactly sure what that was about. In classes, I would have to stifle rolling my eyes at peoples conmments....I finally saw the BS that goes on in classes....it is ridiculous...people talk but they aren't saying anything. People are there, but they don't mean anything.

Another thing I did was quit church. I still believe in God, but I don't think I was being fair to him or myself by going to church and chatting it up with my friends and practicing the next chords for the song we were about to sing, while the Priest was giving the weekly homily. Not only that, but the church has changed...it is no longer St. Patricks Church, but some acronym thay have assigned it (it has merged with 2 other congregations) and I am just like:wtf? I don't get it.

Nothing is the same. I don't know if people have changed, or I have changed.
School is like "eh" to me
People, some I have decided not to even bother with, they can hunt for me. I no longer do teh chansing anymore.

This all emphasizes the fact that this is an ending to this cycle, this phase of life that I am in. I am graduating in May of next year (2006), and moving on to a happier, more independent phase of my life...and basically, essentially leaving people behind. I look around campus and go: this is it. This is the last year I will have to put up with this, and I feel good. I feel happy about that because I think I really am on to better things.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 2:56 PM 0 comments

Everything is Different

My second post for today, just to illuminate some things. My senior year at college began Sept 7th. That was a hard week for me. Everything felt displaced and out of order, including me. I automatically expected all the friends I had before I left to cluter around and say: We are glad to have you back!" but you know what, I knew realistically that would not happen. I never wrote about my friends from home abroad because they never kept in contact with me. I would send e-mails and pics and they would NEVER respond. It's like I had to hunt them down. And the same thing happened when I got back. Except, I was not hunting anyone down. I don't have time for that. Add to the fact that they all live in another dorm (about 15 steps away from me, but I guess in their world far enough) and they have their own little thing going, and I am seperated from that.

So, what is the deal?

This school has been a very odd experience for me.
Friends, or people I have met have always been sketchy and well, not really friends. But I put up with a lot since I am genuinely a nice person and I want to like people, no matter what. But, these people, they don't really care about what is going with me when they ask.

When I came back from abroad, and handled the money sitch, and had a job and etc, I was to busy to really sit and think about my relationships with people and what I expect from them. But now that things have settled down a bit and I am learning about myself, I have time to reflect upon what I really learned going abroad.

I have this kind of clarity now about people and myself. I did not have this before, or perhaps it was muted, I don't know, but now it is like I see people for who they are. Things that I thought were important aren't anymore. People who I thought were cool, turns are they aren't either. Things that I used to care about, I don't anymore.

My life is a life turned upside down but instead of feeling out of place, I feel corrected, adjusted, as if I am somehow upright.
Except, with all good things come other things:

Now, that I have a different view of things, some things I do not understand.

For instance, I used to be really into work and cared a LOT about my grades and had a lot of interest in classes (to varying extents)
Now, everything seems dimmed. Somewhat dull. My favorite word the first week back was "bored" and people don't seem to understand my restlessness. I want to get out and explore places and things! I want to go out and DO stuff. I looked around my dorm room and thought: How could have ever been satisfied living like this before?
And I am not talking about the fact that I am in the dorm room as opposed to a townhouse, but how I could have been ok at this place where I have no freedom.

People were boring me even, I was bored by peoples voices and their ideas....and I am not exactly sure what that was about. In classes, I would have to stifle rolling my eyes at peoples conmments....I finally saw the BS that goes on in classes....it is ridiculous...people talk but they aren't saying anything. People are there, but they don't mean anything.

Another thing I did was quit church. I still believe in God, but I don't think I was being fair to him or myself by going to church and chatting it up with my friends and practicing the next chords for the song we were about to sing, while the Priest was giving the weekly homily. Not only that, but the church has changed...it is no longer St. Patricks Church, but some acronym thay have assigned it (it has merged with 2 other congregations) and I am just like:wtf? I don't get it.

Nothing is the same. I don't know if people have changed, or I have changed.
School is like "eh" to me
People, some I have decided not to even bother with, they can hunt for me. I no longer do teh chansing anymore.

This all emphasizes the fact that this is an ending to this cycle, this phase of life that I am in. I am graduating in May of next year (2006), and moving on to a happier, more independent phase of my life...and basically, essentially leaving people behind. I look around campus and go: this is it. This is the last year I will have to put up with this, and I feel good. I feel happy about that because I think I really am on to better things.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 2:56 PM 0 comments

Hell or Paradise?

Got up this morning at what I thought was 8Am, (I think I looked at the clock wrong, and it was really 9Am) and said: get your ass to the gym! So, I was up, didn't want to be lazy and go get breakfast and sit on my comp "doing" work, or watching the t.v we just got, so I put on some clothes and went.

It was hell.
Pure.Unaduturated. Hell.

Oh my god.

The elliptical (which I think is one of the best things for those who want excercise) is really hard. Even when I was a size 12 (I lost a LOT of weight my junnior-senior year, by doing portion control, drinking water, and getting about an hr excercise every day) and sixe 12 was confortable to me...I think because I am really short (5"2) when I would go to the gym (to loose even more weight-but I hit a plateau :-( Doing the elliptical machine was pretty bad (which is why I stuck to the treadmill, but it got boring) and well, I think all of a sudden I was gaining weight and its like I could not curb it, and just silently gave up :-(
But, it is true, if you loose, you gain back what you had and MORE. I am like the heaviest I have ever been. This is what my doctor says:

"You know, you are a very pretty girl, we just want to get your weight down"(notices how she uses the 'we" to make it appear as if I am not alone.
Me: I know! I have done it before, but I don't know...I've been trying and it just..I don't know, it never works. I am ambivalent towards it now. (notice how I say I have done ie before)


If I have the strength to continue on, doing 30 min everyday on the elliptical (maybe 2 days off or so depending) think of how much weight that can be off in December..that could be, if I stay on track, like 3o lbs by christmas! That would be hot. Really. So hot.

We shall see.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 10:01 AM 0 comments

It's Been a Long Time...

Wow. It's been a long time. A long, long time. It is September, summer is over and I am back at school now. And, it's been an experience. Tons of things I could write about, but I'd attempt to cram all the summers events into on blong entry, and well, that wouldn't work would it?

What I learned this summer:

1.) Boys will be boys (and I like them that way)
2.) How to get along with co-workers that formally disliked you (I actually think I gained their respect this summer)
3.) That my mom, supports me unltimately, in choosing a graduate school, no matter where it is (ok, only is if is NYS or Mass, but still...)
4.) You can outgrow your friends
5.) London changed my life. Period.


What facinated me this summer, was my relationships with guys. To them, I was just a girl who worked with them. But, they changed my outlook abou guys and things. Before, honestly I never really craved the attention of guys (mostly because they were way older than me) but I got some good attention from guys that I did not consider them unattractive. I have had more guys touch me than ever before in my life. I am talking massages, hugs, just very touchy feely stuff. I actually had a guy say that I was comfortable, or whatever that means...cushiony or something? I don't know. So anyway, he was the one giving me random massages...and he sure knew what he was doing. And I wouldn't even have to ask! That was the good part....only, I found out at the end of summer that he had a girlfriend...and whatnot. You know, guys, just cannot be trusted. BUt I wonder if she would have seriously freaked if she found out? It was just a massage right? I don't even know why he did it.

This summer I found out, I could be pretty attractive (I never thought I was butt ugly, but nothing particularly special either)

I was told, a couple of times by guys: "You are really pretty"(w/o prompting them)
asked "Do you have a boyfriend?" and if I did not, "Why? You are not ugly, you should have one" (I laughed at his requirement for having one) He was also the one, who on my last day, made me a breakfast sandwhich of and egg, bacon and bagel! Which I thought was a nice gesture. It wasn't until later, when he said "Tomorrow I am off (tomorrow was my going to be my last day) and asked for me to give him a hug. Weird. I don't get it. So he must have done the breakfast thing as a last minute gesture.

I think, either you get me, or you don't. No inbetween, or anything. I really think this is true.
Last summer, if someone told me all this was going to happen, I would not have really believed them, since I DREADED going back this summer..honestly, and when I called the com pany, they said I was never even sent a "are you coming back again" letter! And if I hadn't called, I would have never gotten it. So, this all furthers my belief that everything happens for a reason. Everything. As a result, I feel more comfortable with them now...more than I ever really did before. And apparently I have no qualms about a guy with a girlfriend making me breakfast or giving me a massage....

posted by The Eternal Student @ 12:51 PM 0 comments