Everything is Different
My second post for today, just to illuminate some things. My senior year at college began Sept 7th. That was a hard week for me. Everything felt displaced and out of order, including me. I automatically expected all the friends I had before I left to cluter around and say: We are glad to have you back!" but you know what, I knew realistically that would not happen. I never wrote about my friends from home abroad because they never kept in contact with me. I would send e-mails and pics and they would NEVER respond. It's like I had to hunt them down. And the same thing happened when I got back. Except, I was not hunting anyone down. I don't have time for that. Add to the fact that they all live in another dorm (about 15 steps away from me, but I guess in their world far enough) and they have their own little thing going, and I am seperated from that.So, what is the deal?
This school has been a very odd experience for me.
Friends, or people I have met have always been sketchy and well, not really friends. But I put up with a lot since I am genuinely a nice person and I want to like people, no matter what. But, these people, they don't really care about what is going with me when they ask.
When I came back from abroad, and handled the money sitch, and had a job and etc, I was to busy to really sit and think about my relationships with people and what I expect from them. But now that things have settled down a bit and I am learning about myself, I have time to reflect upon what I really learned going abroad.
I have this kind of clarity now about people and myself. I did not have this before, or perhaps it was muted, I don't know, but now it is like I see people for who they are. Things that I thought were important aren't anymore. People who I thought were cool, turns are they aren't either. Things that I used to care about, I don't anymore.
My life is a life turned upside down but instead of feeling out of place, I feel corrected, adjusted, as if I am somehow upright.
Except, with all good things come other things:
Now, that I have a different view of things, some things I do not understand.
For instance, I used to be really into work and cared a LOT about my grades and had a lot of interest in classes (to varying extents)
Now, everything seems dimmed. Somewhat dull. My favorite word the first week back was "bored" and people don't seem to understand my restlessness. I want to get out and explore places and things! I want to go out and DO stuff. I looked around my dorm room and thought: How could have ever been satisfied living like this before?
And I am not talking about the fact that I am in the dorm room as opposed to a townhouse, but how I could have been ok at this place where I have no freedom.
People were boring me even, I was bored by peoples voices and their ideas....and I am not exactly sure what that was about. In classes, I would have to stifle rolling my eyes at peoples conmments....I finally saw the BS that goes on in classes....it is ridiculous...people talk but they aren't saying anything. People are there, but they don't mean anything.
Another thing I did was quit church. I still believe in God, but I don't think I was being fair to him or myself by going to church and chatting it up with my friends and practicing the next chords for the song we were about to sing, while the Priest was giving the weekly homily. Not only that, but the church has changed...it is no longer St. Patricks Church, but some acronym thay have assigned it (it has merged with 2 other congregations) and I am just like:wtf? I don't get it.
Nothing is the same. I don't know if people have changed, or I have changed.
School is like "eh" to me
People, some I have decided not to even bother with, they can hunt for me. I no longer do teh chansing anymore.
This all emphasizes the fact that this is an ending to this cycle, this phase of life that I am in. I am graduating in May of next year (2006), and moving on to a happier, more independent phase of my life...and basically, essentially leaving people behind. I look around campus and go: this is it. This is the last year I will have to put up with this, and I feel good. I feel happy about that because I think I really am on to better things.
posted by The Eternal Student @ 2:56 PM
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