The Journal of Truthful Fallacies

All hyped up, and now where to go

Long time no post.

A few things have changed. I have begun work as a computer consultant, which is interesting since I am not a computer whiz kid (never thought I would use that word-EVER! Hahaha...) I work 12 hours a week....and have to get up at 8am to work at 830 on campus. Not bad..but early enough for me. So I have a job, at minimum wage. Now that I think of it, I think that I am never satisfied for one main reason: I expect more from myself. I am hard on myself (not excurtiatingly, but enough) and I expect great things to come from my life, not because I am extremely talented, but because I feel like it could happen to me. Maybe my life could come out great...something awesome could happen to me. So I am always thinking and trying to get ahead.

But I have reached a road block. A serious accident prevents me from following the road. It's stopped me in my tracks. Apparently, I need to face reality. I have dreams of great things, and all this while, I thought I had direction. But, alas, a third professor, I have spoken to (who I never have even had, but who, because of the gossipy English faculty here, has mentioned my "good qualities." She says I could do well. But I have to figure out what I want to do (Editing) and if that requires an MA (no, it actually doesn't) but I feel like I need to go to grad, just finish the next two years....just do it. Get it over with, THEN decide what I want to do....but those high cities I held in idealization are not looking good....no money, no support system...no...nothing.

So, what am I to do? Work at same job I had last summer...save up? Take driving lessons this winter, take out a loan and buy my cousins car? Work during the spring semester, saving up. Then, a whole year later, apply? Narrow down my search and go after it?

I don't have time to waste. I would be wasting time. Any time that is not in school, I have ben taught, is waste. I don't want a 9-5 job. What the hell is that? I don't teach either. I could see myself working in a publishing company in the city. I am very good at detail and writing. I can spot and error or a good piece of writing, quickly and offer constructive criticism. I could see myself w/ my own desk at a company. I really could. But would I be happy? I guess....as long as you have a job you should be.....but....on to something else..

My roomate pissed me off last night. I have come to, in the alst two months, realize some things about her. We have been cool, throughout, but still, my observational skills take no breaks. The thing that really bothers me, is that she has no sympathy. No compassion. No "oh, I feel bad" it is always, "Well, that is the way it is. You cannot change it" I like people w/ more heart, more emotions on the surface. I think she is not as nice as people think she is. It is so sad when you find out something about someone that you don't like. That is what makes people disappointing. This is what makes people so sad, in my point of view. Is no one sacred? I don't know. My roomate and I got into a little tiff, which is why I bring this up. See, here is the thing with me...if something happens, it is never little. If I am affected by it, it is a big thing. Lately I have been letting things roll of me (I think going abroad helped me with this) and I have come to accept certain things.

In general, she is ok, but, I am just fed up w/ everyone I think. We have fun, we laugh and stuff, but despite that, I do not really know her.

But, people always amaze me. I think in general, I am in very Hobbesian in my view of people...which could be a good or bad thing....

posted by The Eternal Student @ 12:11 PM 0 comments

Lost

I am floundering.

I am not motivated anymore about things. I have written before about my lack of interest about things like school work, and my basic indecision about graduate schools. And I feel no close connection to those around me who I used to feel close to and genuinely liked by.

And this school has become a joke to me
I really wish I had not ever stepped foot on this campus. I am doubtful of my picks about graduate school. Something doesn't feel right. I feel like I have not explored all my possible options...

A few weeks ago, I was SURE about BU and Northeastern, but now I am just...not. I mean, what am I going to do about housing? It is ridiculous. Am I being realistic?

I am just hoping not to have a repeat of what happened before here.

Nothing good has happened here. I have gained all the great weight I lost before, I am socially insignificant, and have been a target a racism. Yeah. That is been my college experience and that is a sad truth.

I also feel like I am not living up to my full potential. As if I am destined to do something great somewhere, but I don't know how to get there...where do I go?

Such deep contemplations for a Sunday afternoon.

Man. How did my life get to be this way? I don't know. I am just not even remotely satisfied with anything in my life right now. But how to fix it?

Some lyrics from Coldplay that speak to me:

"Fix You"

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you....

posted by The Eternal Student @ 3:03 AM 0 comments

Same Old Days...

Same old same old today.

Our classes were cut short to an hour as opposed to an hour or 20 minutes that it usually is.

Apparently today is St. Francis b-day. The president of the college, in his inherent phoniness decides to thow a special mass and "feast" to celebrate it.

Corrny.

I tried hard not to fall asleep today, while reading Wharton's The Age of Reason.
Another book that had some good ideas, but could have been written better. But, I always have to keep in mind that at some pt. the books we think are silly were once hot shit, and quite the good read considering the time.

I did finish it though....I could have done it yesterday, but I chose to read the Sparknotes version so I could at least find out what happened in case I never got around to reading.

I got my first ever c+ on a test in college. Senior year is a first for everything. That sucks! I got better grades in Finite math! So, I am confused as to how I manged to be "unclear" according to the teacher when talking about plot in a film. Yes. Plot in a fucking MOVIE. If I bomb this movie class, I will be seriously questioning my intellectual abilities.

Either the teacher is a fucking idiot, or my brain cells have all died off....

Sometimes I wonder if I am just half-assing this semester.

Am I?

Well, one thing's for certain, I am just not "into" it. I used to be very "Gotta get my A!" and now I am just..."Well, I guess I'll read it/write it/do it so I can get it out of the way"

On a positive note, I decided to do the subject test and apply to Northestern and Boston U, and when I do more research, NYU, and probably a state school.

Well, off to kill time before class.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 5:42 PM 0 comments

Waking Up

Well, the weekend was ok. Ok, Saturday night was thoroughly depressing despite the fact that I went of to my friends dorm and watched Mr and Mrs. Smith (overrated!, but I did note the chemisty between Pitt and Jolie) and had a Long Island Ice Tea....

But around 11pm, I was right back in my white room. It was boring. Since when did I need to be surrounded by constant amusement and and flutter of people. I am not even sure. Could it have been abroad? No, I don't think so.

I begining to think it is not even people, it is just my need for constant stimulis. I think perhaps it is.
I am genuinely disatisfied with my life. I am young, I rationalize, I can change it. Where is this power and energy that young people my age are supposed to have?

I have never been the typical teen, and even now, 21 year old. But really, is anyone?

I think I have decided to take the Gre Subject test in English...
So I can stay on with the colleges I had before....only, am I sure I really want to go?

I wish I were not so changeable. Why is this happening to me! A month ago I was filled with a sense of imprisionment and suffocation, now I have this need to cling to what I know. I wish I did not feel this way. I need a waking up. I need someone to SHAKE me and say: MAKE A DECISION and stick with it.

I think all this is caused by some unconsious belief that I will make the same mistake in grad as I will in undergrad. I hope not. My God, I hope not.

I don't think I can swing this whole living in a city by myself, paying the rent, having to have a rooomate etc...but the again, isn't that what being an ADULT is? Isn't that life? Maybe that is what I am rejecting. Whatever, who cares WHY I am doing these things, only that I am doing them.

So, I am thinking I will start studying for the gre, go to Barnes and Noble or order the study guide from Amazon.com. I don't think I really have a choice. Either I take the tests required, or I look for all new colleges...too much shit, too little time. So I guess it is the first one then!

But how am I supposed to be visiting these colleges? By myself? I don't want to! But, I may just have to take the greyhound down to Boston, and hop on the T and visit Boston U and Northeasten (not so much into Emerson anymore) As far as NYU, I have seen it before, so I am not worried. I am thinking of finding another school in the city, so I could have a total of 4, which sounds reasonable.

I got my third, and last recommendation ok from a teacher! That is cool. They don't even hesitate! That is good....it could be worse, no one could want to write one for me!

Now how can I jump start this weightloss? Besides grad schools, that is my second concern.

Also, I am considering taking out a loan, and getting driving lessons so I can get mu license. My cousin has a car for a 1,000. In good condition. So the minute I get my license and that 1,000, it is mine! I have to work on that....

As far as naps are concerned, I took one, I think it was about an hour or less. Not too bad, but not really good.....

posted by The Eternal Student @ 9:07 PM 0 comments

Untilted 2

It is Saturday morning, a few minutes after 11. I am writing this latest entry in the computer lab in my dorm (sweet right?) because my roomate is sleeping in darkness and I do not want to disturb her. Actually, that is not even the main reason, I just didn't want to type in the dark.

Yesterday was a good day. It started off trivially as always. I had my two classes back to back, and then went to a tutoring luncheon to meet my tutee (?) who I had met by accident the night before at the Word of Mouth poetry group meeting. I am convinved that she does not really need a tutor to give her advice, but I digress.

Anyway, I get back from that and relax for a bit. I decided I needed to visit one of my professors because I missed the grad school forum that was held today because I went to the tutoring lunch. I go to visit her. I took her American Lit II class Freshman year and did ok. She is one of the nicest people I know. Honestly. NO kissing ass at all! She genuinely cares about her students. None of that fakeness some teachers put on. I talked to her about grad school. She asked me why I was going....

I didn't have answer except to say that the workplace is becoming more competitive and people are raising the bar; a BA just doesn't cut it anymore. (that's SO sad.)
I think that was a pretty good reason. Because I sure as hell am not going because I want to!
In fact she herself admitted that it was boring and hard, but worthwhile.
I see how good getting an education has done me, and I am sure the positive effects of continuing my education can do nothing but good. After all, I am getting my MA, not PHD (people who do are so odd! They cannot even converse on a human level anymore....at least the ones who are ridiculous about it....) But I digress.

So she gives me advice:
1.) Have confidence (not arrogance)
2.) Be flexible
3.) Get a good financial aid package
4.) Go after what I want. (ex: She asked me what I was going to do and I said something with editing, but that I could also do Journalism or anything. There are so many options. I don't know how we got upon it, but I somehow mentioned how I was interested more in American Lit than Brit (which tons of grad schools make you take classes in) She then urged me to find a program that specialized in that.)

She also told me that she, the one who is so good at talking in front of the class, HATES to talk in front of people. I was shocked. I asked her how she could be a teacher if she was afraid of doing this. SHe says she puts on an act, as if she is acting. And she is able to do it because she has a passion for it. Its something she care about.

Something about this clicked with me. My mom always says you can do whatever you want if you just put your mind to it. That's all. WIth concentration and determination, you can do anything you want. I have found this to be true in my life. But it was that last emphasis on passion that got me. You have to be passionate about that one thing and teaching is what she is passionate about...so every day she gets up in front of the class and continues one with it.

So it got me thinking: what is my passion? What is it that I feel strongly about? Nevermind the doubts that spring in my head about "Can I do it/Am I talented?" but what am I passionate about?? What is something that I am interested in??

She is so clear and concise about it. She tells me that I have determination and the potential to do well after I tell her about those stupid GRE Subject test in English crap....she gives me some advice about that too. It was a very positive meeting. Very beneficial.

After this, I decide to visit some people up in the townhouses, because one of them gave me shit last weekend when I went home to run errands, after I promised her twice that I would and did not show up.

So, I went, chatted for a bit, but they were all very distracted, so I feel like the visit was for waste. And the punk ass girl who made such a fuss about me visiting wasn't even there! Anyway, I head back to the other side of campus, to meet some friends for dinner (a very early one.) And run into the punk ass who is leisurely strolling with some other dude I know. Pfft.

After dinner, I meet up with my friend to watch The Godfather. She comes up with the idea to go to Starbucks.
"It is dark and it is a little chilli" I protest.
"So you don't want to go?"
"Oh wait! I forgot I got a Starbucks gift card!" With 5 bucks left on it.

WIth that, we are off strolling down route 9 talking about random shit.

This is the stuff I really enjoy. Just hanging out and talking. Being. I love to converse with people (not just any person, which is why I come off as reserved at first) but I really do.
It was such a fun time.
I get a Caramel Mocihiato (never tried it, it was good, but I over did it withe the sugar)

My friend decides she wants to play what her Long Island self calls "Checkas" or what is correctly known as Chekers to upstate New Yorkers. I pick on her all day evening about this.
Our conversation is SO funny! One of the funniest things of the night was this:

Me: (looking at the board and deciding whether to move one of my red men.
Friend: (staring at me, in silence)
Me: Man, I want to jump you so bad!

(Laughter from both sides)

5 more seconds of silence pass.

Friend: (in a low whispery voice): I want to jump you too!

Hahaha, that was the funniest shit all day!

I love just hanging out. NO pressure, no thing. I can just be who I am

We played that game for 90 minutes, until with each of us with one man each on the board decide to forfit one of the men. I tell her it sure as hell is not going to be me! So she relents, and I win the game!

Yes!

We ended up watching the movie (about 20 minutes of it) before just hanging out and drinking (them illegally) some pina colada w/ Rum or something....and then I tried to down a little bottle of it, unsucessfully until I started to feel odd.

WE listened to music and just hung out.

A fun, fun night and an insightful day. :-)

posted by The Eternal Student @ 11:45 AM 0 comments