The Journal of Truthful Fallacies

Wouldn't It Be Nice....

I was fine all Tuesday afternoon....my heart beat regularly and my pulse seemed to be steady. Air was refreshing and waves of nausesuness eluded me.

Then came 530pm.

All bodily stasis ended.

I was freaking the hell out.

Why? Because I was doing my first presentation in a year in half. But, why was I nervous? I had done 2 presentations for this professor before, and I had done will. She herself had said that I always do good presentations.

Hahaha.

I went up, last of the three. I had e-mailed the powerpoint to myself. I logged on successfully and then when I clicked to open the presentation some unknown error popped up, asking me to download things...I had no idea what this was about.

So, I click out of that, and begin anew. It works. Finally.

I spoke. Ok. Somewhat loudly and forcefully. I hated every single second. I really did. In fact before I came to class I was crying. Stiff with anticipation. My heart was out of control, my breaths rapid. I tried to quell my nervousness with drink and food and it temporarily stopped any more tears from falling.

I am not going to go into the rest of what happened, because that is inconsequential and I explained it to one of my good friends already and the thought of writing it again bores me.

So, today, brand new day, I start to ask myself: Who am I? I don't get it. I have acted in improv before, I have done a play here before. I have sang in choirs, in solos by myself in front of judges and classmates. I have given presentations before, and make sure I make a comment in every single class I have, at some pt. So why aren't I more relaxed? Is it wrong to expect this? I am 21 years old, a senior in college, and I still have issues giving presentations??

Maybe I am expecting too much from myself? I am hardest on myself, it is true. After I sat back down in my seat, my friend, whistling, says "Wow you did well" and I just shrug. I don't think I did. It was ok. I guess. Everyone just looked at me kind of wide-eyed I remember as I actually SCANNED the audience. Why??

But, I digress, I just wish that I could be comfortable and just be me in front of people despite other things. I just would like to remain constant/ Not take forever to feel comfortable with people, but put people at and myself at ease immediately. I wish I was more a "people" person. I think I am, but somehow I am never enough.

Shit. Maybe I do suffer from only child timid and reculsive syndrome.

But I have been fighting against this my entire life. From family, friends, even people who don't even know me. I don't get it.

But then are those people, like teachers who think I am really outspoken and talk lots. Ask some other people and they will say I am shy and quiet.

I really wish it would stop.

I have been thinking about doing Broadcast Journalism...now how the fuck can I do that, if I cannot even talk in front of the class?? Will I ever be able to do what I want or will this always be a fear within me? How nice it would be to be open and breezy.....

I don't know. Perhaps time will tell.

posted by The Eternal Student @ 8:47 PM