A Rant on Poetry
O.k...I've been thinking. Lately, everyone has managed to have dump on my major, saying that English does not matter in the grand scheme of things. This is absolutely hilaroius as one has to learn how to read, interpret, analyse and see connection in things that too the common eye, would see unrelateable. But, I digress. So anyway, I was thinking about Poetry. What is poetry and does it have a function in society anymore?Well, before the advent of T.V and countless other modes of entertainment, poetry was in. In fact, literatue was right up there with movies and music as far as entertainment was concerned. And well...now we simply have too many options to choose from. So, no one will sit down and actually read a poem for enjoyment. A trashy romance novel, sure, but a poem? Nah!I think the main reason people don't like poetry, is because people don't want to try to understand things anymore. People want things to be layed out for them-to have everything mean what it actually says. But if we all approached language like that, it would dull and boring. Isn' there a type of fun in reading something, shrugging and saying- "well, I don't know what the fuck that was about!" and then turning to a friend, who has an an idea and that idea gets you to look at the poem in a completely new manner?I admit, I think some poets are not really good. but people have to realize that just like cinema and medicine and any other discipline, poetry had gone through phases. And yes, there are differnet types of poems. Not every poem is confessional, but many have a political agenda and some aim to be strictly humourous. In the begining poetry was thought to be soley for a certain class, and the commons sat and listened in awe. But today, everyone and their brothers sisters cousins newphew has at least stated that they too have written a poem.And that brings me to another topic.Some shit that you write, is just is not poetry. Sounds mean, but it is not.People forget that poetry is a meduim...it has certain rules and regulations. Ex: Since you went away it rains all day we should be together and stay that wayThat, is NOT a poem. You want to know why? In poetry, we don't state the obvious. If we did, we wouldn't call it poetry, it would just be called a statement, or if simply a sentence. Now, the snippet above does have some features of poetry. Such as trying to communicate heartbreache by the use of the symbol of rain, which many associate with sadness. O.k, fine.But here is what gets me: people STILL say that this is a complete poem. It is not. This my friend, would work as lyrics to a top 10 hit on the radio. But this it is not poetry. So what function does poetry have in society today?Well, years from now, when one looks back at history, they will often read a poem of that time period. We also use poetry as a form of experssion. I don't think that people much value creativity these days. Is everyone in the corporate world? Does everyone want to sit at meetings to discuss the market at 9am on a Monday morning? Is this what everyone is doing?Poetry serves as a social commentary. A way of understanding the world. A way of releasing ones creative urges. A way of communication, communicating a certain thought or belief, a device used for storytelling. A way to show appreciation for someone or something. Poetry does have a function in today's society, but I think that some people choose to ignore poetry because it is not easy. Much like I chose to ignore mathematical problems because I get it wrong-but that is the difference-in math, there always is a right answer.In poetry, it is all up to you. A poem that could have a specific meaning for the author, could have a completely different meaning for you. And that is why poetry is relevant. It is the most personal aspect in literature.For those interested: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poetry
I Need a Drink
Today I went to Hampstead Heath...a "a quaint little villiage" as my London for Dummies books explains. It was cute. I took the National Rail and kept it moving. All in all, a cute time, but really boring and stuff. So, I decided to eb adverturous and take the bus to Chalk Farm (where Sylvia Plath lived) but conviently passed it and ventured in Camden Town. Camden is like the goth and puck rock/tattoo/market area. I could never, and I mean never live there ever. Much to busy. At least now I am keeping my money in my pocket (as in not spending it on clothes, books, and cute bags that I really want) I have just been spending it on transportation, topping up my phone, and TONS of food. After that, that is all really. But I must have spent like close to 150-200 bucks this past week.
:sighs:
I fucking give the fuck up. I give the fuck up! Yo, I will have to be ridiculously poor when I get back. People at home know it is asskickingly expensisve to live here? Wtf? I have no excuse. As the months have passed, I have actually started living here-and you know what folks-living costs money.
I need a drink. Not an alkie, but I need a drink. A nice cool one...a red beer especially. That's what the Brit pubs are known for. They are good! And I don't even like beer! Anyway, I have been doing horribly on my 15 page paper...I have the top of the thrid page and 2 pages of quote/notes. Wtf is that shit?. Whatever, I don't know what the fuck is going on with me. Yesterday I spent the whole day inside and I basically added 2 quotes to the paper..maybe a half a page. WHAT???
:sighs:
I need a drink.
And I have another paper I have to do, starting Mon, or Tues...and NO criticism on it mind you.
Why? I am going to e-mail the head of Liberal Arts at my college and ask whethere these eng classes count for my major-as in I need to get a C....at this point, I don't even think I will get a C.
Whatever.
Three Types of Sex
I am going to bring up something that I didn't plan to really talk about in my blog: sex.Maybe because people have been sending me links to these types of blogs-and oh how there are many! I was reading, and the blogs are SO private and personal! I don't undeerstand how people can be so free with these types of things, but I digress....So anyway, when I was highschool I came to the conclusion that there were three types of sex:1.) Fucking-place animalistic primitive sex w/ someone you could easily displace2.) Having sex-sex w/ someone who you like3.) making love-sex with someone who you loveThese categories remain intact today. I am positive that most of the time, people are just plain fucking. Now, there is nothing wrong with fucking, but really-and maybe I am just being a typical female with this statement but: where is the real intimacy? Hello! Some guys dick is in your body? Like, I don't understand how people can take this so lightly. Sex is the most intimate and private thing two people (or 3 or maybe 5 if your into that, but then again, that would be fucking, not having sex, and definately not making love) can share and it just boggles me that people can be so blase about it.After all, being blase is what began the AIDS epidemic and std breakout in the 70's. But, anyway, I am convinced that true genuine caring affection must be present in order to have true sexual satisfaction-well, at least for me. I have to think that the guy is really just not after sex with me, that he may (GASP!) actually like and respect me as a person. Holy shit! We'll, it seems everyone around me has completely bypassed this phase and went straight to fucking or having sex with people on a whim or to 'release tension" walking around on the prowl like animals.I just don't get it. Sure, a good fuck is nice. In fact, sometimes it is warranted, one needs it. But really....even for a good fuck I have to actually really like that person, like enormously in order for me to even be able to think of that sort of thing.Oh, well it looks like at heart, I am just a good girl. Hey, it is better than being a whore......
Held Captive
Incoherent thought
Plagues me
This reality hypocrisy
I’ve known better days then this
I am no legend
Nor do I claim to be
Only a simple girl
With the inadequacy
Of my first impressions
Bound to my knees
Words do no justice
To my feelings
Only the soft strings of
Varied instruments
Create sounds that ripple
Through me
But I’ve known better days than this
I am the shadow of the sun at your side
Moving swiftly across
Your face
And you cannot run
You cannot run
You actions do no justice
To your words
They echo in me
And reek of simplicity
Like the incoherent thoughts that
Illuminate me
A Long Day
So many inner thoughts...I could never possibly get them all down. I am at an odd place right now. Preparing to leave London, but still trying to get all of London in. Today was supposed to be Madame Tussads, but it was 22 gbp ($44) to see WAX. At first I was disappointed because when I have an idea stuck in my mind, or a plan, I like to keep it. But, my friend had the good judgement to realize that it wasn't worth it, especially when later at 5pm, we could get tickets for 13 gbp!What is going on with Britain. I mean it. Like....what are we opperating on peak hours for Madame Tussauds? What is that about? London just wants to take all your money..it does, it wants to send your already debted college ass back to the States even MORE broke then when you arived. YUp. That is it. It is a conspiracy (and not a very veiled one at that).We did have lunch at Covent Garden as we did not manage to have any breakfast, it was alright..a 6.95 meal, plus my first taste of bailey's coffee. It was fine. We then, disappointed with the wax place, decided that it would be a wasted day if we did nothing, so we went to teh Brit Museum....I realy enjoy that place....took a lot of pics ( at first I thought it was just my excitement in having the camera, but now I realize that I am just captured by the beauty of everything I see...) that was fun...there was an accident somewhere again on the train tracks. Ughh, I wish these people would leave the train tracks alone! My god, can I just make it back to Mile End in one piece? Really. At least today I did not have a headache like the last 2-3 days I have had on the tube. Something about the lack of proper ventiliation and the pressing of bodies close together...and probably the standing as well. It is hell. I hate it, I really do. The fucking bloody tube.But, I'll miss London though....I do. I got a chance to speak to one of my friends, Jennifer at school, who for the life of me, I could never get in touch with online! She explained that she had been busy. I had to tell her I wouldn't make it to her graduation : ( This saddens me. I ahve known her since I was a freshman! And we got along especially well last semester when I moved to her floor after I rid of my less than hygenic roomate to live with Ybelka, the RA. That all proved a smart move, as me and her will be living together again. I will miss Jennifer. She is always so funny.....I realize that those are the people I like best-people who can make me laugh.....I enjoy laughing, just a good hearty laugh..the kind that makes you clap or slap your thigh, your moth exapading in a wide grin. I love that. And there is nothing like making someone else laugh.Well, she is graduating, and so are some others that I like as well. The school has not bought out the best in me socially, or maybe it has, but I do not see it. But, academically I ahve flourished, but that all bores me now. I want to have A's but I want to have fun...really fun. I don't know what that encompases yet, but I want something different. I hope that me and Ybelka get along well this year....I guess if we got along well in one semester, the next should be just as good. She was never there, so I am hoping that if she does stay more in the room, we will not fray eachothers nerves....I hope. So, there are 4 weeks left..not even, I ahve to call and change my plane ticket date, to the week of the 24th..possibly the 27th. I think I should end it with London abruptly, which would be the 24th...drawing it out will not be good I feel. I wil get sad and cry, like I am on the verge of doing right now for some odd reason.I have such regrets....this trip was supposed to be something different, I was supposed to become....I don't know.....I was supposed to branch out, meet guys, be reckless. But I have stayed in tact. Maybe that is not my nature. I feel boring, so utterly boring. At first I was excited about leaving, but now I really don't want to go home, I just want to get back to the place I know...but not home with my mother and my friends and stuff....I only seem to miss them when I am fed up with people here, but when I am with my friends here, I don't even think about them. I feel like my life is in stasis. As if I have been not moving forward or backward since sophmore year. I am sick of my life the way it is. I hate it. I want to be something more, but I don't know what that is. I am afraid of graduate school, where I am going to go.....if I can leave my mom and not feel guilt this time. What will I do about her? I don't know. I have also been thinking that I have been heartbroken, memories of the last person I really fell for has been coming back. Why? And now he is off to a new life, and I am stuck in this place. The next guy I fall for, will have to become something to me, I will have to make something of that one. No more of this being alone with no relationship. I think once I finally have a decent one, my life will change. I really feel it.Anyway, I must take a nap, and pretend to write my paper.
If you've seen on historic place......
I think I am jaded. Either that, or I am exceptionally tired. Today was the last Butler sponsered trip and we went to Hampton Court Palace and Windor Castle/Eton. Sorry to say, as much as I appreciated being able to go, I was not impressed by the Palace, the Castle or Eton for that matter. I think there is a time when you travel, when you are abroad, that you just stop marveling at sites. Perhaps it was because of the shitty London rain and fog together again on this day...I don't know. Something just seemed off. But, as always I took and abundant amount of pictures...that is all I really could do. At least in Hampton you could go inside as Butler pre-paid our way, but at Windor they just handed us a map and said "off you go" I thought it would be implied that we would get to see the castle-as they would have paid. But no. And they only gave us 2 hours. By the time I had stopped in MD for a burger and walked simultaneously to Eton, an hr had already passed....that cut out the castle, and someone later told me hardly anyone went b/c there simply was not enough time. :sighs: oh well. No big deal. If you have seen on castle/church/historic place...you really have seen them all. I am not exaughsted from our 9am departure from Notting Hill Gate...must go to sleep now.......
London Eye
Who came up with the idea for this one? Who? I like the person who did. A big ass ferris wheel looking thing....high tech space bubble seats....I love it! A panoramic view of London in all its glory. That's hot! Me and Traci's made our separtate ways to Waterloo station in order to see the Eye yessterday at 530. Amazing how such "tight" security there is...they managed to confiscate my ice cream (doesn't match with Italy's gelato's sorry to say!) and Traci's bookbag with her laptop in it (she was coming from the library) but they somehow forgot to check out tickets! We could have just not paid at all! Well, it was worth the 1125 we paid online to do it.....I loved it! We took some fantastic pics uf eachother with London views behind us.....and laughed at our pickiness and prefectionism...and how that all lead us to take about 25 pictures in a hour time frame. I have to admit, I DO go overboard with pics, I really do. Like, "everything is a picture" like I just cannot not snap that shutter because if I don't I will never get a chance to view the moment again. Yeah, it is that serious.
Traci is a really funny person. I think that we will have fun in Paris.....she always seems to know where she is going too...good sense of direction, versus me who just happens to "wander" upon things, luckily. Anyway, it was about 615 when we done with the ride. I was ready to head back home, and hit up Kensey's friend chicken place on the way back (that chicken is SO addicting, has made some other sick, but not I-lol) anyway, Traci says that she doesn't want to go on the tube because it is "rush hour" she really does have this thing about being on the tube with crowded people and the bus as well (which we later took much to her chagrin-lol) so, we decided to just wanlk around, as the Westminster bridge, Parliament, and Westminster Abbey is all the inmmediate vicinity. I love London. Everything is just
right there! Anyway, we walk along, take some shots....it was fun. We then hop on the district line....crowded as hell!
Anyway, we get off, at Mile End and at this point I have managed to convince her that Kensey is the place to eat at. But then, she gets a good idea "lets go down to the Hayfield and get a cheap meal...mash and sausages for 225!" I look at her "really?" The Kensey was calling me, but a cheap meal that was actually filling called me further. So we hop on the bus to the Hayfield (pub where smokers and cider mix) we eat and get our meal (w/ gravy! Gravy!!!!!) hoping on the crowded bus with me having a stomache ache as well as the bus juts back and forth.
It was a nice evening all in all. :-)
Um....I Need and Accoutant...
I need an accoutant. Seriously.No Joke.My debt must end. I am like, TOO young to be in debt! Especially with credit cards (o.k, I only have one and it is not that bad). Now, I doubt that I have used up more than the 5000 limit I have, but, still, close to 1000 in such a short period of time, is enough for me. It is not 1000, but that is what I would like it to be by the time I leave London in 5 weeks.I get to apprehensive about money-I hate it. I really do hate money. I hate how everything costs something...Jesus, is there nothing free in this world? I hate how college is SO freaking expensive....who ever thought learning would put young people in debt? And the thing is, we all sit around, my friends and I, randomly discussing out debt. Such frequent conversations go like this:Me: Well, I am only about 25,000 in debt, at least when I leave this schoolFriend 1: Pffftt, that is nothing! My ass owes 50,000Me: (mouth hangs open)Friend 2: Yeah, my debt is about that right now as well. I think I may have to commute next yearMe: (my mouth still gaping) Wow....See, we are all abut 20-21. Why are sitting around talking like old women of about 50 talking about how we are in debt and will take FOREVER to get out. We are talking money making professions people, we are talking a english/ed. major, me the simple eng. major and my social work, turned sociology turned creative arts major friend. And NONE of her professions were gonna get her shit in terms of money. My big fear (after being a nobody) is being a poor, homeless, living paycheck to paycheck nobody. :shrudders: there is NOTHING worse than that in the world. Yuck! Not only are you not important, but your ass is dumb poor! Now, that is bad!I have always been "bad" with money. Not necessarily bad, just a bit "off" not a big fan of math, double check my arithmatics mercifully-and STILL end up adding wrong-yes, folks, it's THAT bad! I get apprehensive when I go to dinner with friends-because it means that we will have to split the dinner-and I simply cannot do arithmatic in my head...it makes my head hurt and the numbers jumble in my head....I wonder if there is a disorder for this. Hmmmm, I should google that....Well, anyway, I always get the tab wrong, and cannot tell you what 15 % tip is that goes to the waiter out of a meal that cost 22 bucks (although, I know the way to do it-give me a pen and paper and PLEASE don't forget the calculator! My god...) so anyway, yeah, I SUCK at adding. But, give me a long word, and I'll spell it. Give me a 6 sentence paragraph and I'll deconstruct it and write a 10 page paper on it. Give me a word and I 'll tell you the meaning and 5 ways to use it in the sentence-and 5 other ways to construct the sentence. Just don't ask me to add or try to distinguish how much money you can save by buying two of something versus one for a lower price. And don't ask me what 16 plus 9 is.....unless I have pen and paper handy...ughh...I feel myself getting dizzy already. I was always slow when it came to math. And well...I still am!Anyway, in light of my being broke, I im-ed my friend who I am going to Paris with, may 19th. I am convinced that I spent too much money in Italy (wtf for man? wtf for???) so now, I cannot do Paris.....well, she said she would cry and that monetarily it would be costly. She would have to pay 200 gbp extra per night....blah blah blah........whatever. The point it, it would be a pain in the ass to cancel now. I already paid the 300 bucks...and the deal sounds o.k 4 days, 3 nights in a hotel, tours included....breakfast as well. So really, we only will eat twice a day, so every day it will be about 10 euro for a meal at night...not bad! But then, you have to add in the attraction fees (Eiffel and what not) I am going to research all this online, b/c my ass is NOT going into further debt for this shit. I am not spending another sleepless night worrying about how I am going to pay off my credit card bills when I get home....what kind of job I am going to have.....how I hate having to go back to working at that bloody respite for the disabled-not that I hate the disabled-I love em, it was the employers that really annoyed me. But, I digress. I am constructing a budget dammitt-for Paris! The one I wrote for London (although very neat and commendable, I never kept too)As soon as I have a moment and the interest to research and write it all down like a good little girl it will be all smiles. I intend to marry someone who is into business...you know, fincance and management (not ec0nomics-those people are fucking weird!) I need someone who can do all the things I cannot with ease...all the boring shit like taxes, paying the bills (I can organize paying the bills however, and we can split money equally when paying them) and other crap like the mortgage and stuff. And perhaps give me little tutorials as to how to manage money properly and efficiently. And what will I do? Oh, I'll cook and clean and raise the blessed little kiddies. And turn horrible paragraphs into well written ones-of course!(Btw, my mother's friend did say earlier today that she would sit with me over the summer and help me straighten everything out. Very nice, that woman is!)
Let's Take it Back to the Start
I have been thinking this for a while, the thought randomly popping up in my head....really, almost out of no where. Sometimes, I really do wish that I wasn't quite myself all the time. How odd is it to wish to not be yourself-to escape yourself, the constraints the "predicability" that becomes you. I sometimes feel stifled by what others think of me. I am not keen on catergories as I believe that nothing is ever really what it seems. All my life I have been descirbed as various things by various people, as a shy reticent girl. However, if you ask some people, I am a loud mouth arrogant girl, who thinks too highly of herself. Am I those things? Who the hell am I anyway? I admit there are times when I truly just don't know what to say to people, particially because of the many different things I have been told about myself, so I try hard to make a good impression. However, I have also been told that I do have a charm, and this, I believe as I have noted some effects I have had on people. But, I just wish people could see me the way that I see myself. If I knew who that person was, this would be achievable perhaps?When I was 16, believe it or not, I REALLY thought I had it all down. Honestly. I really thought I had myself figured out. And suddenly, after these last few years, mostly the years at college, those old familiar notions of myself have crumbled.....I don't know who I am anymore, except that I don't want to be that "same old me" everyone thinks I am. I cannot breathe in those constraints anymore. Everywhere I go, and to everyone I talk to, it seems to me as if someone is always telling me what is wrong with me-some say I am too serious, so when I lighten up, I am told that I make fun of myself too much. Some say I am shy, but when I finally say something and let loose my strong opinions, some say I am too loud and too intense. What gives? I don't understand. I really don't. And all these pokes and jabs at my personality have left me with some doubt of my own.I tire of having people spew their opinions of me at me as if it the holy word. I am sick of being the "good friend" who "listens patiently" at descriptions of endless forays with guys, drinking, and clubs and the perils of the consequences of those actions. I am sick of being perceived as the "good girl" who sits obediantly at her desk reading and writing romantic poetry. I am sick of always feeling like I am the backround as if I am cast in murky brown water that no one can see into. I can barely see my reflection now in it now. I am sick of being seen as the loud mouth who always has something witty to say, sick of being the "teacher's favorite" because I can no longer take the pressure. I sometimes feel like I have so much weight of other people's expectations on me, and everyone is either on the sidelines waiting for me to crash and burn and be the "nobody" they always percieved me as, or cheering me on expecting me to churn something astonshing out like I can really do that in the first place, as if I am just bubbling with promise. Perhaps I can, possibly when I mature more. When I have had some really life experience. But, I am just a young 21 year old "woman" now. Really confused, really ambitious, and floundering.Sometimes I feel as if I am living a half-life. As if everyone around me is having a magnificent time and I am always in the company of the dregs of life. Why is life so difficult? I sometimes think that life is much to hard, and that I just don't have the strength to handle the ups and downs of it all. But I have so far, so that is a good thing, but still, these feelings ofter persist.If I could go back in time and do it all over again-I mean back to the start (in the words of Coldplay) I would change so many things about myself......The point is, is that I don't like myself much right now. I am trying to find the strength to change myself-my life. But, I just.....I don't know. I feel a bit hopeless right now. Perhaps because so many things are on my plate right now.How many times have I belived myself to be past this point in my life? So many times, I cannot even begin to remember........
It's Not My Karma on the Line
In my attempt to write in the blog as truthfully as possible, I have to touch upon the whole function of the trip to Italy. You see, today, something funny happened. I managed to make my sick ass outside and do something constructive after 2-3 hrs of dillydallying doing other random things. As I am coming back along Westfield Way, a girl shouts out my name: it is Marron, a girl who seems really nice and I always have funny and good conversations with when I talk to her although always shortly. Well, she knew that we were all going to Italy the last I spoke to her. Which I found shocking, but not entirely odd since she was once on the list of those supposing to come, but dropped out soon after. Anyway, the first thing she asked me was: How did you guys get along on the trip? I told her we had a really nice time, everything was great. But of course, as much as this is true, there were some bumps along the way. It was a test to my acting abilities that I made it through the last 2 days of the trip. She asked me specifically about one of the girls, who 2 other people, along with my self, who have mentioned her "tone" and attitude when speaking. Apparently I am not the only person who has noticed this demeaning and "what are you- stupid?" tone that permeates every single syllable of every word that she has. I asked her why she asked me, as it was interesting to me. "Oh, I was just asking you know, because I know she has that way of talking." She proceeded to then tell me that when she went to Paris with her, she noticed this and was put off, but on subsequent trips to Prague and Scotland, she was then accustomed to her tone, and when aggrivated would simply turn to one of her good friends here. She has concluded that the girl is "nice" referring to her as "my girl" and such. I told her that I picked up on this girls tone a while ago, and the rich girl on the trip had even mentioned this before to me, and said that she dreaded spending another week in Spain with her, after Italy was done.This girl, was completely annoying. My god, have I ever met someone so unaware of her tone? Please, whatever happened to tact? I don't think she knows what that means at all. Marron, but it perfectly, she described it as "demeaning" Now, that is well put. I hadn't even thought of it that way. But that is her-she is demeaning. Everyone is stupid but her. I don't want to say that she is a bad person, but I know now that no matter our little glances of nice conversation that I still don't like her. I was trying to be a nice person, but her and the rich girl alike turned out to be the two who had no issues with eachother, and instead prodded me until I, had to remove myself away from them on the train to Venice for a good 2-3 hours. Yes. It was that bad. On a good note though, they didn't ruin the trip, in fact, when I think of the Italy trip, they don't come to mind at all. It is as if they weren't there. This is good for me. We did have a great time though-well, I did. I was immearsed comeptely. But that doesn't mean the interactions between us all were positive. I felt like the "clown" and "idiot" pretty much through the trip, because I think I was a little worn down of her "are you stupid?" attitude that even the rich girl picked up on and begin to partake in, I guess for shits and giggles. Oh, well I say. If that is what makes you feel better I suppose, it is not my karma on the line. I truly hope that one day the annoying one, says something and the effects of it are so bad, she finally realizes that she needs to learn how to communicate properly, because, well, communication is key. And if you cannot do that.....They both annoyed me equally, the rich girl going into every shop immiginalble that had sunglasses as a product. But not just any sunglass place-every Gucci, Prada, etc...sunglass place. It all bored me terribly, so I would just go off and look into a little shop of my liking and come back 20 minutes later and she would still be either in the shop we left her at, or in another ridiculously expensive shop. These are some high maintanence chicks....I mean, really. I could have spewed ugly words at them in retaliation of their endless quips about my personality and such, but I didn't. I just didn't. No regret for that. Because I have learned that with these people, nothing anyone else says matters unless:1.) You agree with them and/or see things exactly as they doand that is the bottom line. In the mist of this, I managed to have only one tiny "seething mad angry moment" in which they amply made fun of later, and again, I said witheld my comments. Apparently, if I say something sarcastic, it is because I am a bitch, but, if they say something that I think is rude or unnecessarily mean, it is because I need to "lighten up." So there are the rules I suppose. I do not really care to0 much, I just wanted to note this all down for reference sake. We did have some laughs though, and I learned an important lesson, how to ignore the words people say. This is new, as I am always one to take things to heart, becaue I have this flaw of actually caring what people think of me. But now, in hindsight, no poisionous image of me that they may have taken to Spain , including the many times I was called, quite straightfaced a "weirdo" or when they eyed eachother in a private joke, nontheless in a private joke, or called me "crazy" or said that I had "issues" (I really could go on) it's not my karma on the line.
Is This True? I Don't Even Know Anymore......
Your element is Earth. You have your feet on the
ground and are in touch with reality. Some may
say you need to lighten up, but you are just
not that way. It's not that you don't enjoy
having fun, you only find it in more calmer
activities such as writing or reading a book.
But before you have your fun you always make
sure your work is done. You are considered the
reliable one among your friends, you would
never betray anyone just like and are not
influenced on peer-pressure. Friends and family
can always come to you for guidance because you
are wise and smart. You know what is right and
what is wrong and you study hard to become
something big in the future. The bad side is
that your friend/s feel ignored when you spend
more time with books and papers rather with
them. You are not such a people person and are
sometimes a question-mark on how to behave
around them at certain times. Luckily it always
works out, somehow. Love is not really desired
in your world right now, maybe in the future
when you've got a work and so on under control.
After all, you are a perfectionist. Rate and
message!
Italy Part I
Italy was amazing. I loved everything about the place (minus the Italian language which I was sick of by the time I got to Venice) I think, it really is one of the most beautiful places in the world-Florence and Venice that is. The Leaning Tower of Pisa was great, but Florence and especially Venice took the cake. I could go on and on about Venice....the romantic atmosphere, the soothing calm of the water, my first Gondola ride given by a kind of hot Italian dressed in "Gondola garb" it was all amazing. Many a gelato did I have ( about 2 on the last day, and 2 on the first) I think that Venice is a place for lovers.....for married couples for people who have been together 25 or more years....it is remincent of magical times that even you may not have had before, but you feel nostaligia for. It was constructed in 1421 by barbarians, developed completely on marshland. Marshland! I didn't get a chance to capture anyone coming out of their houses, but we did see, on our Gondola ride, a group of Asians, sitting on what we would call the "porch" having agreat laugh. The water is a salty green....and the edges closest to the water are a bright green moss. When the sun shines on the water....wow, when the ancient buildings and wonderful architecture are illuminated by the plays of light and shadow......amazing. Angels, gargoyles, etc.....and Venice at NIGHT! The most astouding thing, so lumioius and beautiful to be surrounded by dark water and the cool breeze. While in Italy for 5 days, we were blessed with ridiculously gorgeous weather..sun shining, puffy cumulous clouds.....gentle breezes. I am running out of adjectives. I took many pictures (144 or something) but none of them capture the essense of Florence and Venice.The Italian's refer to Florence as Firenze and Venice as Veniezia, which I found really interesting, and I wonder now who came up with the "english" version of these names. Hmm.We saw the original David that Michangelo sculpted. At first, I always wondered what is the big deal? It is just a sculptire! But then, when you see it...standing nude and so tall, David's powerful stance....the slash hanging solitarily over his left shoulder and down his back. The detail was compeltely amazing. I learned that Michangelo (and many artists at the time as well probbaly) had to analyze anatomy before learning to sculpt. This is evident in the sculpture because you can see the veins and muscles of the abdomen and other intricate features. That was pretty amazing as well. Now, I understand why it is such a classic.Florence is filled with such architectural and classical history, that two days, although were enough to get the jist, I think one would really have to go on foot for Florence in order to capture everything, and probbaly for about 3-4 days max. Pisa was a throw away town. Really was not impressed with all the grafiti on the walls and the general dishevelment of the place. The leaning tower was good, and as you get closer and closer to it, it really does lean. We even managed to climb up to the top of it, and as we did, we all kept leaning in the direction the tower was! It was hard to climb, and just when I thought we had reached the top, there was more. We took some cool pictures at the top, and even got on our knees to peer down through the glass that shows the insides of the tower from that view. That lasted about 2 seconds as we sooned backed away in freight. I was glad when we left Pisa....too ugly and boring for me. Wow, I sound so jaded.....
Italy!
It is about 125 am here, and we leave for Italy at 345....so late, so late. But ahh, what is done is done! I am a bit excited. So much, I cannot sleep (and that pesky little sleeping issue that had been rearing it's ugly head). I took a bit of nap from 8-930 this evening. Then, the rich girl im's me saying she is sick, vottimting and whatnot...really crazy shit! Then she asks if I could come over and help her pack as she also has a paper to finish and blah blah. So, because I had finished packing (or so I thought) I figured it couldn't hurt to help. So I went over, helped her pack, found out the "to do and see" list of places for Pisa, Florence, and Venice, and kept it moving. Came back and re-packed, figuring that I bought too much for 5 full days) Rich girl is a really funny person-silly. The last few days we have been having some good convos and that is good. Lets hope this continues in Italy.We went out for dinner on Friday night...a place called Chiquitos or something..very good food! Anyway, after that we saw Miss Congeniality: Bullock played the lovably cute fbi agent, and King played the typical "black girl with an attitude" that she plays in all the movies I have seen her in. But, she was good very fun. So, now, I cannot believe that I am really going to Italy....I feel a bit of sleep coming on...omg...how I wish we were not leaving until 12 noon or something tomorrow....for God's sake it is just a fucking leaning tower! But, I am really going to take note of the atmosphere of Italy when I am there especially after the pope's death....rich girl says the food was good when she and her fam went to Milan. Ha! The last thing I need is more food...I have been on this food attack all day.I hope that Italy runs smoothly and that we all have a leisurely, grand time. I do hope for rich girl and atttitude girl that they get along in Spain together...whew...that is going to be interesting as rich girl has already told me they argue a lot. That is the thing about such trips.....you make these trips because you want to see places, and not see them alone, but you never get a chance to KNOW the people you travel with....and you just do it, because you don't want to be stuck alone and you want to travel....so you go.But it is so odd you see, because when we all go back home and live our lives, we will all say "oh yeah, I went to Italy, or France" or whichever country and the people you went with will be forever linked with that particular place.....and we will most likely never see eachother again. Lol. How funny! I tell you, study abroad is a trip.Here's to an awesome time in Italy! Yay! : )
Fast Forward
I wish that I could somehow magically fast forward through my life...like, see where I am in 5 years....hell, maybe 2 or even 10. I want to know what is going to happen, to see if there is any hope in the future at all for me.I have been researching grad schools in California...really eyeing University of California at San Diego (ucsd). But, I always feel so stiffled, as if something is holding me back. Perhaps it is my mom, I am not sure what we are going to do about her if that happens. I love her so much, it is undescibable, but I just don't want her ruling my life anymore. It is as if every relationship I have ever had has somehow resulted because of her...psychologsts do say that many of the friends in your life resemble those closest to you, (a.k.a your mother your father) or not as much resemble, but rehash the relationships you may have had with others.Before I came to London, I always though "wow, how great to get away and be my own person, and do whatever I want and really be free" but I have not felt that here. I have felt, many of the times, out of place, sad, or lost, searching for something, observant, friendly, random, etc.... tons of other emotions. I wanted to detach myself from her, to find my own person because I think I have begun to (or always have) defined myself by her-and as a result, I have been living this half-life and I don't know how to "live" like other people.....I don't feel normal. To top it off, there is always someone telling me how abnormal I am and I am really confused. This not what being 21 is about...this is supposed to be a time of great fun and adventure and happy times, tons of boyfriends, drinks. What is going on with me? Sometimes, I really do wish that I weren't myself, but someone else. Maybe then people would like me more, and I would have a more fufilling life perhaps? I always feel like I am in the "stand in" I am the "functional" friend for those who need advice, want to talk about 'real' subjects....spill their secrets too, but there is no one for me to go to. Who is left? Basically, I sometimes think no one really undertands me-I mean ultimately. Maybe that is too much of a lofty goal.....Tomorrow is Italy, (4am in the morning) I am going to try not to think about that, and go with the flow. I hope to have a good time, and take great pictures. I really do think I have an eye for it, honestly.If only I could fast forward through these next few years.....I hope that I am different then from the person I am now and or/ a lot happier and less confused. I am too young to be this....I don't know...this anything.
Rome/American Dinner/Relationships
Ughh, once again, so many things to write about! Lets see:
1.) Trip to Rome and the Pope
2.) American Dinner in London
3.) Relationships
Saturday was to the big day: Rome! His recent death has led to millions of mourners in the city and praise throughout the world on his longevity...but, the problem is this: we cannot go to Rome now. The place is PACKED with people...so much so that many Hotels/hostels do not even have room! It never ever occured to me, this entire week that this would occur...I knew people were making pillgramages to Rome, but people STAYING there and the numbers RISING? This is unheard of in my short lifetime. Wow.
Well, anyway, Ryan Air cancelled flights on the 7th and the 8th....the 9th was fine, but we realized that Rome would be a mess....we would hardly be able to see anything. A real shame..not for us, but that this all is so crazy! Who would have thought...in an era where people, especially youth scoff at the concept or religion, something would happen like this. Amazing. Anyway, as a result of this, we had to fly to Pisa instead of Rome 1st, when talking to mt travelling buddies online, I assumed that after a few days, things would be back to normal, but they don't believe so, so now Rome is completely out :-( Well, we are blessed to even have a chance to go anyway..so for this, I am glad. So ,instead of an 8 day trip, it is a 5 day trip...which suits me actually as there will be less money to spend and a chance to get back and experience more of London and get cracking on then 3000 word essays! (God, help me!)
Yesterday, my friend and I were longing for some soul food...so we made our way to a restuarnt that we found out looked like it has been closed for a bit...we were upset, as it took us 45 min to get there! Anyway, we were not to be stopped: we decided to go to Leicester sq instead, and have a nice hearty meal at an American Dinner-AWESOME!!! I loved my milkshake....hadn't had one for sooo long.....ughhh, it was just like the ones at Johnny Rockets (I miss that place-I am hittin that up as soon as I get home!)
As we were sitting there, a group of guys walked passed us, looking idley into the resturant, as they did, my friend took a good look at them, they all caught eyes, and after a lengthy deliberation, came in and a took a seat right next to us at the opposite table. The chatter began immediately:
"Where are you from?"
"What are you doing here?" etc....my friend was very cocky, and had forcasted that they were American boys, not brits, in fact she thought they were in highschool! And
told them so, automatically assuming. They we a bit taken aback by all this, and I tried to be congenial, anwering politely to thier questions. Apparenly, they were turned off my the restuarants prices, and possibly us as they made thier way out the door again, the green eyed leader of the pack, shaking our hands briefly before they did so.
My friend looked at this encounter as a game....a trial run..just to test her game, but as they sat opposite us at the other table, all I felt was dread at the ordeal of having to make conversation with them, with a group of people I had no interest in. But, if I didn't I would be seen as rude. So, I went along. I was glad when they left, took the pressure off of me, and me and my friend returned to our conversation.
We started talking about guys in general, and she mentioned that relationships were a game, simply put....I shook my head and my eyes were laced with doubt, "that cannot be" I persisted...it all seemed to terribly inhumane to think so...relationships are important and take time to be developed, no matter the type of relationship. She said that first impressions were everything, and that one must play the game to get the person interested, and keep playing until the person gets to know the "real you."
If this is really the case, relationships are a hoax, as you are aware of the game playing (as is the other because he too will be playing the game) so no one ever gets to the know the other person....this is all so fucking stupid! Hello? What is this kindergarten? Who are, five? Ughh, the whole thing depresses me. I had to reply to her "first impression" theory though. I stated that if someone cannot get past their frist impression of you (or what I like to call, the first assumption they make of you) then they are not worth the time. And anyway, everyone nows that 99 percent of people's 1st impression of you are wrong! They connect your mannerisms and statements to people they have either met, or would like to meet. It is that simple. But me, I don't have time for such games....and hopefully I will meet someone doesn't have the time either...
Relief and Excitement!
Just got out of my Impressionism class final.....soooo not good with dates! It was an awkward time last night, trying to study, but being somewhat unsuccessful......and I really thought I was not going to do so hot, even though I went over and studied with Sam for 2 hours (and wrote a song with her too...very silly) called
"We Like It That Way" It goes like this:
We're gonna get and "A"even though we don't give a crap about Monet or ManetBut we like it that wayooooooo(Yeah, instant classic, I had to record with her digital, too good to pass up)then she improvised with:
"We should have studied two weeks ago....but we didn't do that-oh no." or something along those lines....but we ended on a positive note of "we're gonna get an "A" so we were hopeful, despite the somber notes of the guitar.
lol.
Well, I think I did alright with the test, definately banged those comparrisons out! Man! I was definatetly proud of myself for contrasting Millet with Van Gogh, a Photograph from 1847, with Seurat, and the genre of the Nude....I feel so accomplished! Anyway, like I said before, was my fave class. Liked it a lot. So relieved the test is over! In the words od Napoleon Dynamite: "Yessssss!!!!!!!!"
Now, I must get a bloody paper topic for my meeting with Halliday tomorrow.......oy vey...have NO clue what I am going to talk about.....no topic.....must think hard this evening. Also, may be going to a Soul Food restaurant........um...I would just really like to have some collard greens and cornbread with some steak. Yum! I was explaining the concept of soul food to Sam, which she had not heard of I am afriad :-( Anyway, in short,
I realized, people try all sorts of food like Chinese, Indian, Carribean.....Thai and even Portuguese...but not Black food? C'mon!!!!!!!Lets hope for a relaxing and calm evening.......with tranquility.....:sighs:.......
Good People
In order to appreciate this moment, I must write down a list of good friends, or people who have been nice to me, or I have a general good conversations with as late:
ZubiaBeatriceJaniceMaryannMeghanDanielleYbelkaTracyDeltaRandom, somewhat dorky, but very concise. Right?
The Set-Up
The moment I came into the world, I was set-up. My family members stood around me as I lingered in my mother's arms. She always told me that she had no clue what to name me. I was wadding in placenta for 9 months and research into a name for me never crossed her mind. That's my mom for you! They all sat around, tossing around names, until the name Kristal came upon them. They looked at me. Yes, she looks like a Kristal I was told was the conclusion by all involved. My life was an experiment to begin with. Due to the conditions that disable my mother, many people did not believe that she would be able to fully and adequately raise a child. As a challange to this notion, I was created. My entire purpose in a way, rests upon the fact that I "turn out well" Whatever I do is not looked on as a simple reflection of an everyday girl, but the child of someone with a disability. So, throughout all my life, I have gotten kudos for "holding up well" considering my circumstances. Not only did I have to do well for my own sake, but for my mother's as well. If I messed up, I believed that people would think it was a refelction of her parenting;that a fuck up from me would solidify any negative beliefs people would have about her and her ability to raise me. So, I got on Honor Rolls every quarter in Elementary school and what have you when I was younger"You are so smart" family would all tell me on their infrequent visits."You have such a nice face" they would add. I felt like every compliment could easily be subsitutted with "for a child of someone like that." As if it was completely unexpected that I could be smart at all. It was always said with a kind of shock...or perhaps that is just the effects of my young mind.So, you see, I was set-up. Failure is not an option for me. I have to be smart and successful. Period. No mediocracy from me. For a while I prescribed by this notion, until what I like the call the "Lost Years" when I went through some things. But by the junior year, I was "back on track" and that is when the perfectionism began, but I must say that it has reached its ridiculous peak in college. It is all quite ridiculous. Very laughable in a way.This semester abroad has changed all that. In a way, I have switched modes. Academic perfection is not in the forefront now as much, but the concentration is now on social graces...and my mother has no role in this. This is something I set up for myself. I now have to push myself to be more "social" or at least appear that way. Although, really I think I am fine in that respect. But others don't. So, of course, that must be fixed. Because, God forbid I am not percieved the way I would like to be percieved. I am in the midst of a crises. I am not exactly sure who I am anymore. I don't know. All I know is that being abroad has placed in limbo...I am not myself or who I want to be. I feel....trapped all the time. Like people want me to be a certain way and I jsut cannot do it. For the first time, I just cannot do something. And when I do, I do it heinously. I think it was the culmulation of the conversation yesterday and previous things that I haven't descibed that have led to this dour post today. But I felt the need to write about it. I really just wanted to be liked here. That is all. Just plain liked. I did nothing really today. Planned to go to a shop, but did not. Blamed the cold cloudy weather. I wanted to be kept inside today, but I did have some hilarious conversations with Danielle, Ybelka (who is turns out I will be living with again next year :) and an enlightening one with a friend I made here. So, in the words of Coldplay, "everything's not lost." Earlier today I was reading, an interview of Jane Fonda (yes, Hanoi Jane) and she had some pretty profound statements: “I was so desperate to please that I became completely detached from my authentic self”
She calls this the "disease to please"Hmph. I think I was born with that. Weren't we all? We were all set-up. I think it is something well all go through.
A "Brief" Recap
Hmmm, been thinking and doing alot these last few days.....I think brief recap is in order...-Brick Lane done on Monday night...I had my fist taste of Indian food at a place called Chesney's...it was alright, but deinfately not up to the hype! I went with my American flatmate and Sam....they were nice company. Very low-key people. Nice night. -Tuesday: The Tower of London (as mentioned before)- Wednesday: Hmm...cannot quite remember what I did then...oh, that is right: I called it a day in and ventured outside for an hr to do grocery shopping.-Thursday: My last Crises of Consciousness: American Lit from 1850-1915 lecture and seminar. Thank God. The professor was smart, but was way to young....went back and forth between the roles of the young professor and intelligent scholar. But overall, one of the best courses I have taken....I look at American lit of this time period differently now, that is for sure!-Friday: Class, saw The Ring Two: the imagery was not as haunting as the first one, but I did cover my eyes LOTS of time, and uttered: "what the fuck?" and 'wow!" quite a bit. So, I would say it was definatley time well spent on a Friday night.- Saturday: Salvador Dali Museum (freaky and soooo scary!) The man obviously was a genius, but was just as obviously insane. I read that at one point he considered himself on par with Jesus. Enough said. I did however, get a cute postcard with his painting "Paysage Aux Papillons" It is a painting with butterflies in it. And one knows how I feel about butterflies...lol. I managed to see the London Eye, Westminster/Houses of Parliament from Waterloo station as well. All very beautiful aided by the fact that it was gorgeous outside! Yay!Later, I went to Leicester square to take pics (Finally got my digital and summer clothes sent to me-arrived Friday afternoon! I was ecstatic!) of Chinatown, and capture the theatrical atmosphere of the place.....after a few shots, I walked to Trafalgar Sq, took more pics as well.I was taking pics silently, then :"Can you see Big Ben?"I looked in the direction the sound was coming from. It was a man, seemingly Italian, middle aged or younger asking me a question."Big Ben?" I asked doubtfuly. It was my impression that Big Ben was to the left of me, not straight ahead...but I hadn't seen it from Trafalgar sq for quite some time."Oh no, her persisted, 'it is right in front of you!" He begin to wasl to the left of me..."No it isn't! I argued, following behind him"Look, there is it!""Ohhhh, there it is!! Wow, I thought it was over there" I remarked pointing to the left, I began to laughTuring to him I gave an appreciative thanks."No problem" he said, walking back to his spot looking at the fountains of Trafalgar sq.I took pictures of the fountains with Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament from this new angle. Then, I got the idea to have the man take a picture of me. I turned back, he was looking at me. I walked over to him, asking if he minded taking a picture of me. "sure he said, with the backround of the fountain?" He snapped the picture."How about one with Big Ben in the backround?"he offered. "Ok" Sounded good to me! So he took that picture too, and I graciously thanked him again. He was a nice man.After this, I continued on to what became St. James Park....signs said that Buckingham Palace was near, so I rationalized that if I cut through the park, according to the map in hand, the palace would be on the other side.....I walked, took more shots (saw the top of the London Eye from there-that thing is HUGE!) and enjoyed the serene scenery. Then, suddenly, the Palace was before me! I took tons of pictures of the fountain that stands before the palace...excellent architecture. Brilliant, and good shots for someone not great with the camera!....After more shots of the palace itself, I made my way back, thinking I was going through St. James park led me to Picadilly and Green park. At this point I had been going around London for 6 hours...and my legs were killing me! So, I hopped on the tube, came back to the room, and took an awesome nap!Today: Studied a bit with Sam for out Impressionst test wed., and wrote a review due for Contemporary Writing on Tues. Boring. Went shopping at Budgens..... tomorrow...who knows?!I guess long blog entries are what happen when you don't blog daily? Hmmm......
A Telling Conversation......
Me: like, i don't know...i am starting to find out how much i am an individual over here.....i don't like to to all the things i am "supposed" to be doing, like clubbing and stuff b/c idk....it just isn't me.
Me: so when i do or say anything diff, i get flack
Friend: hmmm
Me: they keep asking me to club, and i keep saying "no, i don't do that stuff"
Me: but they keep asking, and I am going to have to spaz out something...
Friend: u should try to go its fun
Me: see, this is exactly what i am talking about
Friend: very different
Me: that kind of response
Me: it's like, whatever i want to do, is not good, b/c other want me to do something else....i am really sick of all that. and they try to make me feel like i am missing out on something, when all that i want to do is what I want to do
Friend: well u should try to experiene new things...your only young once....wehn you get older your gonna wish you did something out of the ordinary
Me: no, it is not about that. you, like them are missing the pt, this is not about somone elses conception of "fun" it is about mine..
See, this is the sort of thing I get all the time from my "peers". Why do I constantly need to defend myself to to others? I have never been like any other "normal girl." I don't do the typical things someone my age is "supposed" to be doing....and for that I get shit? For being an individual and attending to my own likes, I get shit from people?
I believe that this kind of issue is what this trip to England has been all about....here I am thinking: "I am going to be independent" and all that jazz, but what I failed to realize, is that I was independent long before I came here....and the real lesson of this 5 month adventure is to come to terms with myself....to accept myself because, essentially, no one else will. Nothing angers me more than to be dealt the hand prescibed by others.I don't like being told what I "should" be doing unless I asked, or in a worse case scenario, appear to be drowning in confusion. But alas, I am none of those things at the moment. Also what I especially do not tolerate, are people who attempt to make me feel bad for not doing what they do or on a grander scale: NOT ACTING LIKE THEM! God forbid I have different interests RIGHT? who the fuck would have ever thought of that one???
I am 21 years old now. I do what I want when I want whenever I choose to. I have been under the impression since I entered college 2 half years ago, that people still believe we are all in college...that life is one big ass collage of popularity contests....but those who act and feel this way need to get a grip... YOU ARE A FUCKING ADULT NOW; GROW THE FUCK UP KIDS!
