Let's Take it Back to the Start
I have been thinking this for a while, the thought randomly popping up in my head....really, almost out of no where. Sometimes, I really do wish that I wasn't quite myself all the time. How odd is it to wish to not be yourself-to escape yourself, the constraints the "predicability" that becomes you. I sometimes feel stifled by what others think of me. I am not keen on catergories as I believe that nothing is ever really what it seems.All my life I have been descirbed as various things by various people, as a shy reticent girl. However, if you ask some people, I am a loud mouth arrogant girl, who thinks too highly of herself. Am I those things? Who the hell am I anyway? I admit there are times when I truly just don't know what to say to people, particially because of the many different things I have been told about myself, so I try hard to make a good impression. However, I have also been told that I do have a charm, and this, I believe as I have noted some effects I have had on people. But, I just wish people could see me the way that I see myself. If I knew who that person was, this would be achievable perhaps?
When I was 16, believe it or not, I REALLY thought I had it all down. Honestly. I really thought I had myself figured out. And suddenly, after these last few years, mostly the years at college, those old familiar notions of myself have crumbled.....I don't know who I am anymore, except that I don't want to be that "same old me" everyone thinks I am. I cannot breathe in those constraints anymore.
Everywhere I go, and to everyone I talk to, it seems to me as if someone is always telling me what is wrong with me-
some say I am too serious, so when I lighten up, I am told that I make fun of myself too much. Some say I am shy, but when I finally say something and let loose my strong opinions, some say I am too loud and too intense. What gives? I don't understand. I really don't. And all these pokes and jabs at my personality have left me with some doubt of my own.
I tire of having people spew their opinions of me at me as if it the holy word. I am sick of being the "good friend" who "listens patiently" at descriptions of endless forays with guys, drinking, and clubs and the perils of the consequences of those actions. I am sick of being perceived as the "good girl" who sits obediantly at her desk reading and writing romantic poetry. I am sick of always feeling like I am the backround as if I am cast in murky brown water that no one can see into. I can barely see my reflection now in it now. I am sick of being seen as the loud mouth who always has something witty to say, sick of being the "teacher's favorite" because I can no longer take the pressure. I sometimes feel like I have so much weight of other people's expectations on me, and everyone is either on the sidelines waiting for me to crash and burn and be the "nobody" they always percieved me as, or cheering me on expecting me to churn something astonshing out like I can really do that in the first place, as if I am just bubbling with promise. Perhaps I can, possibly when I mature more. When I have had some really life experience. But, I am just a young 21 year old "woman" now. Really confused, really ambitious, and floundering.
Sometimes I feel as if I am living a half-life. As if everyone around me is having a magnificent time and I am always in the company of the dregs of life. Why is life so difficult? I sometimes think that life is much to hard, and that I just don't have the strength to handle the ups and downs of it all. But I have so far, so that is a good thing, but still, these feelings ofter persist.
If I could go back in time and do it all over again-I mean back to the start (in the words of Coldplay) I would change so many things about myself......
The point is, is that I don't like myself much right now. I am trying to find the strength to change myself-my life. But, I just.....I don't know. I feel a bit hopeless right now. Perhaps because so many things are on my plate right now.
How many times have I belived myself to be past this point in my life? So many times, I cannot even begin to remember........
posted by The Eternal Student @ 9:51 PM
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