The Set-Up
The moment I came into the world, I was set-up. My family members stood around me as I lingered in my mother's arms. She always told me that she had no clue what to name me. I was wadding in placenta for 9 months and research into a name for me never crossed her mind. That's my mom for you! They all sat around, tossing around names, until the name Kristal came upon them. They looked at me. Yes, she looks like a Kristal I was told was the conclusion by all involved.My life was an experiment to begin with.
Due to the conditions that disable my mother, many people did not believe that she would be able to fully and adequately raise a child. As a challange to this notion, I was created. My entire purpose in a way, rests upon the fact that I "turn out well" Whatever I do is not looked on as a simple reflection of an everyday girl, but the child of someone with a disability. So, throughout all my life, I have gotten kudos for "holding up well" considering my circumstances. Not only did I have to do well for my own sake, but for my mother's as well. If I messed up, I believed that people would think it was a refelction of her parenting;that a fuck up from me would solidify any negative beliefs people would have about her and her ability to raise me. So, I got on Honor Rolls every quarter in Elementary school and what have you when I was younger
"You are so smart" family would all tell me on their infrequent visits.
"You have such a nice face" they would add.
I felt like every compliment could easily be subsitutted with "for a child of someone like that." As if it was completely unexpected that I could be smart at all. It was always said with a kind of shock...or perhaps that is just the effects of my young mind.
So, you see, I was set-up. Failure is not an option for me. I have to be smart and successful. Period. No mediocracy from me. For a while I prescribed by this notion, until what I like the call the "Lost Years" when I went through some things. But by the junior year, I was "back on track" and that is when the perfectionism began, but I must say that it has reached its ridiculous peak in college. It is all quite ridiculous. Very laughable in a way.
This semester abroad has changed all that. In a way, I have switched modes. Academic perfection is not in the forefront now as much, but the concentration is now on social graces...
and my mother has no role in this. This is something I set up for myself. I now have to push myself to be more "social" or at least appear that way. Although, really I think I am fine in that respect. But others don't. So, of course, that must be fixed. Because, God forbid I am not percieved the way I would like to be percieved. I am in the midst of a crises. I am not exactly sure who I am anymore. I don't know. All I know is that being abroad has placed in limbo...I am not myself or who I want to be. I feel....trapped all the time. Like people want me to be a certain way and I jsut cannot do it. For the first time, I just cannot do something. And when I do, I do it heinously. I think it was the culmulation of the conversation yesterday and previous things that I haven't descibed that have led to this dour post today. But I felt the need to write about it.
I really just wanted to be liked here. That is all. Just plain liked.
I did nothing really today. Planned to go to a shop, but did not. Blamed the cold cloudy weather. I wanted to be kept inside today, but I did have some hilarious conversations with Danielle, Ybelka (who is turns out I will be living with again next year :) and an enlightening one with a friend I made here. So, in the words of Coldplay, "everything's not lost."
Earlier today I was reading, an interview of Jane Fonda (yes, Hanoi Jane) and she had some pretty profound statements:
“I was so desperate to please that I became completely detached from my authentic self”
She calls this the "disease to please"
Hmph. I think I was born with that. Weren't we all? We were all set-up. I think it is something well all go through.
posted by The Eternal Student @ 12:33 PM
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