Fast Forward
I wish that I could somehow magically fast forward through my life...like, see where I am in 5 years....hell, maybe 2 or even 10. I want to know what is going to happen, to see if there is any hope in the future at all for me.I have been researching grad schools in California...really eyeing University of California at San Diego (ucsd). But, I always feel so stiffled, as if something is holding me back. Perhaps it is my mom, I am not sure what we are going to do about her if that happens. I love her so much, it is undescibable, but I just don't want her ruling my life anymore. It is as if every relationship I have ever had has somehow resulted because of her...psychologsts do say that many of the friends in your life resemble those closest to you, (a.k.a your mother your father) or not as much resemble, but rehash the relationships you may have had with others.
Before I came to London, I always though "wow, how great to get away and be my own person, and do whatever I want and really be free" but I have not felt that here. I have felt, many of the times, out of place, sad, or lost, searching for something, observant, friendly, random, etc.... tons of other emotions. I wanted to detach myself from her, to find my own person because I think I have begun to (or always have) defined myself by her-and as a result, I have been living this half-life and I don't know how to "live" like other people.....I don't feel normal. To top it off, there is always someone telling me how abnormal I am and I am really confused.
This not what being 21 is about...this is supposed to be a time of great fun and adventure and happy times, tons of boyfriends, drinks. What is going on with me? Sometimes, I really do wish that I weren't myself, but someone else. Maybe then people would like me more, and I would have a more fufilling life perhaps? I always feel like I am in the "stand in" I am the "functional" friend for those who need advice, want to talk about 'real' subjects....spill their secrets too, but there is no one for me to go to. Who is left? Basically, I sometimes think no one really undertands me-I mean ultimately. Maybe that is too much of a lofty goal.....
Tomorrow is Italy, (4am in the morning) I am going to try not to think about that, and go with the flow. I hope to have a good time, and take great pictures. I really do think I have an eye for it, honestly.
If only I could fast forward through these next few years.....I hope that I am different then from the person I am now and or/ a lot happier and less confused. I am too young to be this....I don't know...this anything.
posted by The Eternal Student @ 3:21 AM
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