Today Part I
I handed in that paper-did it. Done. After completing it Monday, I finally really finished it with the aid of 4 hours of revision yesterday. This is why I never "rush" anything....see folks? Anyway, I handed the bad boy in after our last art class this morning....where, I spoke a lot and even got a "well put" by my professor! I was excited because I know nothing basically about art (cannot really say that anymore can I?) and I was able to contribute.As we were "discussing' :clears throat: Gaugin and Van Gogh, a thought appeared to me: I think the only time I really feel confident with myself, at least my public self, is when I am in the classroom. Take me to a club and I have either
1.) A disaterous time or
2.) A panic attack (this only happened once to me, actually here in London when I ridiculously apprehensive about meeting people, and it was in the second week of being here. I was a lil bit nervous) Whether it was a real one or not, I was definately not going to stay and find out. Lol.
Anyway, when I really think about myself and the way I behave, I actually seem to come alive in the classroom-this is especially when I contribute in a class, or feel that my comments are being appreciated I suppose. I like to give my opinion and offer my insight which is why I suppose I have never really done horribly in classes in college.
I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, all I know is that everyone wants to feel validated and appreciated at some points in their lives. I think this is what scares me most about graduate school-you are in a room with people who no equally as much as you do about the subject you study, therefore, everyone is equal. I am not sure, but I do not think that I was ever on the same level as other people my age. Now, before the eye rolling begins, I have to exaplain that I have always been percived in that "only-child syndrome" image. I am one if those people who looks/is attracted to things unsual, not common, not easily idetifiable. And well, that said, that is not what being a teenager is about. Being a teen is completely the antithesis of that.
So, with this in mind, I am thinking, I must declare my all time fear: being a no one.
Yup. That's right. I fear being an unsuccessful, unmermorable, disregarded, vapid presense in all areas of life. Uh huh. This brings me back to the point I made about feeling most confident when in class.....when there is a time when I am done with school, I better have an asskickingly good job, where I can excel in, because if not....well....I fear that day if it does not come....lol.
I'll have to give it all up and resign myself of being grouped with others in as a statistic relating to sufferers of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I probably alredy have it.... LOL.
I will miss that art class though, it is the only class of the 2 that I like, of the complete 4 that I am taking. Now, when I go to museum I can actually talk about the art instead of standing there gawking at it like a bumbling uneducated asinine idiot. Whew!
posted by The Eternal Student @ 7:58 PM
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